Page 44 of No Going Back

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

Guy stroked Khamseen’s soft, velvety nose, smiling as the black stallion tried to nibble his hand.

“Will there be anything else, sir?”

“No, it’s fine, thanks, Kim. I’ll see to bedding him down for the night when I get back. You go when you’re ready.”

Absently patting the horse’s neck, he watched his stable manager leave, then swung up into the saddle and headed out of the yard.

Memories and hurt feelings buzzed like angry wasps. Maddie was Liz. Maddie was Liz? Even now, his head still refused to believe it, in direct contrast with a heart that now claimed to have recognised her the moment he’d laid eyes on her. At least it gave him an explanation for all those irritating little nibbles of uneasiness at the edge of his consciousness.

He needed some mental clarity, but hacking around the quiet lanes near his home wasn’t going to give him that. At the first gate that gave him access to the wilder areas of his property, Guy left the road behind. Once the gate closed behind him, he urged his horse on with his heels, accelerating to a full gallop when the empty meadow stretched before them.

Riding into the wind blew the cobwebs and the problems from his mind. He knew this part of the estate like the back of his hand. He’d ridden it for years, ever since he’d first graduated beyond a rising trot. When Ros had come to live with him after her parents died, he’d brought her here too. There was something cathartic about riding hell for leather for the peace and solace of the ancient woods in the distance. Perspective helped too—bar some sort of disaster, the woodlands would outlive both him and the generations that followed him.

Christ, children. He slowed Khamseen to a canter, then a trot, and finally to a walk. He hadn’t thought about that in years. Maybe if he’d said something…

Guy gave a snort, impatient with himself for playing the what-if game, but unable to prevent it. What if he hadn’t taken such a pessimistic stance about the outcome of his mission? What if he’d disobeyed his orders and told Liz—Maddie about what he’d been asked to do, and they’d actually discussed what might happen in a worst-case scenario? What if he’d told her he wanted a serious relationship that extended beyond the playroom, one that included the little details, like a wedding ring and children?

What if he hadn’t looked into the eyes of the woman he’d buried on a freezing day over a decade ago?

Guy dismounted and led Khamseen between the trees. When he reached his ultimate destination, he unsaddled his horse and tethered the animal so he could move around but not go too far.

Jesus, what the hell did he do next? Seated at the foot of one of the trees, Guy let his head fall back against the gnarled trunk. He had no fucking clue, and that in itself set his internal alarm bells ringing. She was the woman he’d loved, damn it, the only woman he’d ever loved, and he’d buried her, but here she was, alive and well, a living, breathing miracle. Why the hell had he behaved like an insufferable jackass?

When he’d turned his back on her a couple of hours ago, he’d been riding high on an ego saddled with self-pity. Wounded male pride had a lot to answer for. He’d surfed a tidal wave of it when he’d walked away from Maddie, but now that common sense prevailed once more, he saw the truth of the situation. Without knowing it, he’d been given a second chance, and with his reprehensible behaviour, he might just have thrown that second chance away. Losing her—as Liz—had shattered him into fragments no one else had been able to put back together. Like a prize dick he’d walked away from the one person, the one situation that could undo that damage.

How crazy was it that he’d fallen in love with the same woman twice? Was Fate trying to tell him something? If it was, then maybe he should listen.

A clarity almost blinding in its brilliance exploded in his mind. Liz had been everything to him, but Maddie was so much more. A future without her was a horrifying prospect. Thanks to his boorish behaviour, that was what he could now be facing, unless Maddie allowed him to repair what he’d so foolishly torn apart.

Would she do it? There was only one way to find out.

Picking up where they left off was out of the question, no matter how he looked at the situation. Even if Maddie was prepared to let him back into her life, something else stood between them. They needed to draw a line under both the ancient past and the recent past, so they could start again. They needed something. Not a ceremony, but closure of some sort. A scene, maybe? In his playroom at Stonehaven? Would she agree to that?

God, he was going to drive himself crazy with thinking. For a moment he contemplated another set of what-ifs. The questions tumbled through his head like crazed acrobats. What if Simon had accompanied Ros on her visits to potential wedding venues? What if she hadn’t chosen to visit Maddie’s hotel? What if he’d carried on believing he’d lost Liz over a decade ago? Liz or Maddie, she was still the same woman, and now he thought about it, he could see so much of Liz that remained in Maddie.

How had Liz become Maddie anyway? And why? What had happened to her in the intervening years? Why had she had to die? Bastard that he was, he hadn’t even granted her the courtesy of allowing her to explain.

A sharp nudge to his shoulder jolted him out of his head. Guy shot a wry grin at Khamseen, who’d apparently finished investigating the clearing and grown bored.

“Trying to tell me it’s time to head for home?” He sighed. “I suppose you’re right.”

The slow ride back afforded Guy a further opportunity to think. By the time he settled Khamseen back in his loose box, he’d decided on his next steps regarding Maddie. They both needed closure, but once the past was settled, the future could be theirs to take and mould into something they could call their own.

If Maddie agreed.

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Guy started the car and set off back to the hotel. As far as he could see, the first potential hurdle was the key card in his pocket. If Maddie had already deactivated it, then convincing her to allow him in to talk to her could be problematic.

Making his way through the hotel, he passed a few staff members who greeted him with the same friendly acknowledgement as usual. Cautious optimism stirred within him. Maybe she hadn’t yet said or done anything to change the status of their relationship in the eyes of her friends and colleagues. Not that he’d expect her, or anyone else for that matter, to broadcast the end of a relationship to all and sundry.

He might still have a chance to put things right.

At the entrance to the staff wing, he paused. Moment of truth, and all that. When the light turned green and the lock gave a telltale click, Guy let out a long, controlled breath. He went through the door and made his way to Maddie’s quarters.

At her door, he raised his hand to knock but stopped short. What if there was no reply? He didn’t have a contingency plan for that, but what he wouldn’t do was give up—on her, or on them. After all, she’d known exactly who he was the moment he’d walked into her office with Ros. She could easily have turned him down when he asked her out.