Page 141 of The Need to Know

“You’re not leavin’ early tonight,” I let him know.

“Oh?” he questioned.

“When I’m in New York, who do you think Pops is coming to, to take over my position?” I mentioned.

Cesar shook his head. “Whatever, Eaze. You good?”

“Fan-fucking-tastic,” I said. “Just got my architect. I’m lit.”

Cesar stared at me. “You tryna hit up Lovely’s? It’s been a minute.”

My nostrils flared as my fists balled up and my anger reared its head. “Do it look like I’m trying to go to Lovely’s?”

Cesar shrugged. “Why not? You single, right?”

He was my boy, my brother, and he just wanted to cheer me up. Or mock me. I wasn’t really sure these days. He’d been surprised when I came through BLVCKJVCK on Sunday and he noticed the first spark of my attitude. When I told him about Nastasia and me, he’d been sympathetic then. Now here he was offering to take me a gentleman’s club. Regina did have a special service where one, or two, of her girls would take you to a private room and rub you down and listen to your problems.

The world was at my fingertips. I could have any woman I chose any day of the week. For the first time, it sounded empty and lonely.

Vulnerability tugged at my heart and I scrubbed a hand down my face. “No, I’m not. Shit’s a mess, but I’m good.”

“Yeah? Because you don’t look so good.”

Pops had been disappointed when he’d called me up to hear Nastasia’s input on my going to New York, but very quickly he switched to business mode and we talked more about my ideas for PVWN. Putting my all into this was the only thing holding me together. At home, I wasn’t really sleeping or eating. This kept me busy. This kept me from going insane.

I couldn’t lie to Cesar though. “This isn’t like before, Cease.”

He came over to the desk and took a seat before me. The soft expression on his face let me know he wasn’t here to judge or taunt me, but to listen.

“I never cared about anybody like I do her. Shit, anyone else I could go to Lovely’s to get over it. I could go upstairs and pull somethin’ mean to just let it go. But Nas hit different,” I said.

“I hear you. Y’all was in it deep from jump, so I know it’s tough on you,” Cesar said. “I haven’t even seen shorty at the gym.”

“She goes at night now,” I spoke up.

Cesar glanced at me curiously. “How you know?”

I didn’t have the guts to tell him I’d suspected she was avoiding me when I showed up to the gym Monday and Tuesday and didn’t see her during her usual lunchtime getaway. Thursday night, I drove by Phat Fitness and there she was, inside, running on the treadmill. I wouldn’t bring up how long I’d sat in my Acura and watched her.

Nastasia was different. She wasn’t a woman I was just fucking. She was mine. Now that she was keeping her distance, I felt lonely, something I’d never experienced before.

Running my finger along the desktop, I felt my stomach knot up at the memory of taking her on top of it. Of being deep inside her as she cursed me for the way I’d delivered her pleasure until she was having an intense orgasm beneath me.

We’d never really spent every day together, but we’d always made it a point to FaceTime or call. Coming home from BLVCKJVCK Sunday night to just be by myself was when it really hit me. Waking up alone Monday morning made it even more clear. I wanted New York. She wanted Georgia.

I shrugged my shoulders, trying, and internally failing, to let it go. “I just do.”

Cesar stood up and eyed the monitors behind my desk, watching the club continue. “You gon’ be all right, E?”

I was focused, because I was too close to living my dream. But this was Cesar, so I didn’t waste time lying as I looked into his eyes. “As they say, it’s lonely at the top. But shit, at least it’s the top, right?”

Had I been too harsh?

I asked myself this question at least twice a day since sending Ezekiel away. Once in the morning when I was washing my face and caught my eyes in the mirror. And again at night when I laid alone in bed with no one beside me, and no one to call for a late-night talk about absolutely nothing.

Sleeping was a chore right from the start. I closed my eyes and saw him there. His smile. His cologne. His embrace. His scolding me as I ate raw cookie dough.

Even though my heart ached, I had needs. Carnal needs.