Page 28 of I’m Already Gone

A lump, thick with regret, clogged my throat. “For not being here for you when I should’ve been.”

For everything.

He stared at me for a long, agonizing beat, his gaze unwavering, then slowly shook his head. A bitter, humorless sound escaped him. “I’m going to eat this on the patio.” He turned abruptly, the patio doors sliding shut with a soft hiss behind him.

“It’s okay, Daddy,” Maddy said, her small voice pulling me back. “I’m free.”

A genuine, fragile smile touched my lips.

At least my daughter didn’t hate me. But how long would that last when she eventually understood how I’d broken this family? Would she forgive me?

Lily

As soon as I walked into the front door, I was met with a suffocating silence. It felt heavier than the humid air outside. I couldn’t stay away long, not only because of my children, but because Ebony and Sam were right. I couldn’t hide in a hotel room forever and cry my eyes out. It wasn’t solving anything. Eventually, I had to drag myself back to face the ugly truth of my husband’s betrayal.

Kicking off my shoes, I set my purse and keys onto the hall table. I noticed the table lamp was on in the living room, casting a weak, yellow glow, but I didn’t stop to look, knowing it was Ethan waiting for me. How the tables have turned.

I headed straight for the stairs when a voice, soft and hesitant, stopped me cold.

“Lily.”

My hands were already gripping the banister. I turned my head slowly to find Ethan standing in the threshold, his shoulders slumped, eyes red-rimmed and puffy.

“Can we please talk?” he asked, his voice barely a whisper.

I turned to face him fully, crossing my arms over my chest. “Okay. Talk.”

He nodded. “I love you and I regret betraying you more than I can put into words. And I know I broke my promises to you. All of them. But I want to do anything and everything to rebuild my promises to you.”

A bitter laugh escaped me. “How can you possibly love me after what you did, Ethan? Help me understand that.”

“Because I made a big, stupid, selfish mistake, Lily. God, I swear, it was a disgusting mistake.”

“You made a choice,” I corrected.

He shook his head. “It wasn’t a choice! I didn’t wake up one day and decide to betray you. It wasn’t planned.” His hands came up, a gesture of helplessness.

My jaw clenched. “You still made a choice and acted on it. You could’ve walked away. You could’ve stopped her. You could’ve stopped yourself. But you didn’t.”

“You’re right. And I’m so, so sorry,” he rasped, tears filling his eyes. “I didn’t mean to hurt you, to cause you anymore pain. I don’t want to minimize what I did or ask you to forget it. All I can do is be honest, take responsibility, and work every day to become a better husband.”

He paused, his eyes shining with shame as he looked at me.

“I will never forgive myself for what I did to you. To our family. I failed you. I failed our kids. But I will fight for you. For us. I am not giving up on us, Lily.”

He shook his head, tears slipping down his face. “And if there is even the smallest part of you that still believes in us, I will spend every day proving I can be the man you deserved all along.”

We stared at each other for a long, agonizing moment. I saw the raw, gut-wrenching remorse swirling in his blues, the agony of what he’d done twisting his handsome features. And a small, foolish part of me, the part that still remembered the man I married, believed him. Believed that he was truly sorry. But there was something about loving someone, believing with every fiber of your being that they would never hurt you or betray you, that cut deeper than any knife when that fear became a reality.

“Every time I shut my eyes, I can’t get the image of you doing the things you did with her out of my head. Ehtan, you touched another woman. Your lips were on another woman. Those images are burned into my brain like an unwanted guest. I don’t know if I will ever want you to touch me again, Ethan. The thought makes my skin crawl.”

His shoulders shook violently, his face crumbling in grief, as if he’d already lost me. And maybe he had. Maybe this marriage, this life we’d built, was already teetering on the edge and was bound to collapse.

“I don’t know if I can forgive that, Ethan.”

“Please don’t walk away. Please, Lily,” he begged, desperately wiping at his tears with the back of his hand.

“Our marriage had cracks in the foundation, Ethan, and your actions demolished it.”