Page 150 of I’m Already Gone

Sam sat in a white wooden chair at the very end of the row, her shoulders hunched. Jake sat between Sam and me. Ollie is perched on my lap, and Maddy sits on my right, her gaze fixed on the casket. Coral and Richard are behind us, alongside my parents, then Marcus, and Ebony.

Ollie tugs on my coat sleeve, and I turn to face him.

“Is Mama going to sleep in there forever?” he asks, pointing toward the ground, where Lily lies.

“Yes, Ollie. She is,” I strangle out. “But she will always be in our hearts. Always.”

“Will she be cold?” His voice is quieter, filled with worry as he turns his innocent gaze to face the casket, now almost level with the ground.

A sharp, stabbing pain shoots through my heart, a fresh wound tearing open. My breath hitches, but I force it back, clenching my jaw. I have to be strong for him, for all of my children, even as my grief threatens to overwhelm me.

“No, buddy,” I manage to get out. “She has her favorite blanket, the fuzzy purple one, to keep her warm.”

He looks up at me, his silver eyes swimming with immense sadness, reflecting the enormity of a loss he can’t fully comprehend. “But I won’t see her anymore. She won’t read me stories or kiss me goodnight.” Each word is a tiny dagger twisting in my gut.

I slowly shake my head, fighting a losing battle against the tears pricking my own eyes. “No, Ollie. But we still have all the love she gave us. That never goes away. Never.”

Ollie glances back down at the coffin, a single tear escaping, and asks, “Can I say goodbye now?”

“Yeah, buddy. We can say goodbye now.”

He slides down from my lap, clutching the white lily and a single, perfect purple rose stem, and with hesitant steps, walks toward the edge of the grave.

I bend down, holding my own trembling bouquet of the same flowers, and wrap my arms around Ollie, pulling him close.

“Goodbye, Mama,” he whispers. “I’ll miss you so much. Don’t worry—Ethan is going to take care of me now.”

That simple, trusting declaration is the final straw. Tears blur my vision, and I let them fall freely.

Ollie tosses the flowers. They land softly on top of the casket. “I love you, Mama.” He raises his small hand, puts the palm to his mouth, and blows a kiss, watching it float down to Lily.

Ollie’s tear-streaked face holds a fragile, heartbreaking smile as he turns to me. “It’s okay, Ethan,” he says. “Mommy is sleeping now and not in pain anymore.”

He wraps his arms around my neck, and I hold him tight against me. I silently thank Lily for bringing Ollie into my life, for leaving me another part of herself.

He releases me and walks over to Sam. Her shoulders shake uncontrollably as she sobs quietly in the chair. Ollie climbs into her lap, and she holds onto him for dear life.

I rise to my feet, my legs feeling heavy, and Jake and Maddy come to stand on each side of me.

One by one, Lily’s parents, my parents, and Marcus and Ebony step forward, their faces etched with sorrow, and drop their flowers into the hollow ground. A final farewell.

Maddy is the next to step forward. “Thank you, Mom,” she begins, “for being my anchor, my guide, and my best friend.” Her voice strains toward the end.

“I love you so much, Mom.” Maddy’s quiet sobs break free. After a while, she gathers herself, wipes her eyes, and drops her flowers in.

“May you be at peace now, Mom,” she whispers.

Maddy squeezes mine and Jake’s hands as she finds her way back to her seat.

Jake steps forward, his posture stiff, and clears his throat. “I’m angry, Mom,” he confesses. “Angry that you had cancer. Angry that you won’t get to see us grow up. Angry that you had to go through this.”

He lets out a shaky breath, his eyes darting down to the casket, his voice breaking. “But I’m glad you fought as long as you could, not only for yourself, but for us. Because you knew that we needed you.” He pauses, his gaze lifting to meet mine, tears streaming down his face. “I’m also glad... I’m really glad you gave Dad a second chance. You don’t have to worry about us Mom. We’re going to be fine.”

He turns back to the grave and tosses the flowers onto her casket. He wraps his arms around my waist. “I love you, Dad,” he murmurs.

“I love you, Jake.”

An intense, protective love for my children, and a fierce desire to live for them, magnifies tenfold within me. I am going to do everything I can to honor Lily by living life to the fullest with our children, carrying her love forward.