Page 16 of Wanted: Rogues and Bards

Today, Malfas just happened to have liberated a couple of eggs from one of their neighbors. Fenric sat at the massive dining room table, flipping through his journal of notes while keeping one ear turned to Malfas’s long-winded instructions.

“Scrambled eggs are easy. There’s just one ingredient—the egg. Well, I guess you can include the little pat of butter you toss in the skillet to keep things from sticking,” Malfas explained. “Today’s test is to see if your poisoning power is cumulative based on the number of ingredients you work with. If it is, then since you’re only working with one ingredient, the eggs should be significantly less poisonous than some of the other things you make. In fact, the eggs might not even be deadly. Maybe they’ll only make a person slightly ill but not kill them.”

Rain snorted as he dropped into the seat opposite Fenric at the table. “That’s assuming you’re correct in your assumption. It could be that all food he touches just becomes lethal.”

Malfas turned around and made a face at the pirate. “Well, yes, that is also possible, but that’s why we’re running these tests—to determine exactly how his magic works and whether all food he touches becomes deadly. Magic usually has a logic behind it, and it’s our job as magic users to study that magic and learn how best it can be implemented. It’s not like you can simply jump onto a ship and just go.”

Both Fenric and Rain laughed this time. “Actually, that’s exactly how Rain operates.”

Malfas sniffed and turned back to watch Maxie beating the egg in the bowl with a fork.

“Yesterday, you mentioned you were going to town for a ranking. Was it a ranking for warlocks? I didn’t know such a thing existed,” Maxie inquired.

A myriad of emotions passed over Malfas’s face before he finally settled on a sigh. “There is a ranking of warlocks. Nothing official, just a gaggle of judgy wizards and warlocks who get together to drink and boast. They cook up a ranking, but it’s not something regularly released, and most other warlocks think it’s a bunch of bullshit. Just a popularity contest. But that wasn’t why I went into Pomor. I went to get a peek at the biannual ranking of villains and heroes released by the Ministry of Hero and Villain Affairs.”

“Now that’s a bloody popularity contest!” Rain shouted, his fist pounding on the table.

Fenric closed his journal and wrapped the leather tie around it before shoving it into his pocket. There was no point in pretending to study it now. Between Malfas’s nonsense and Rain’s bluster, Fenric was now engaged whether he wanted to be or not.

“Really?” Maxie gasped. He turned to Rain, the small wooden bowl pressed to his stomach while he beat the eggs with his right hand. “I always heard the government conducted a serious study to make sure only the most powerful of both groups graced the list, but I’ll admit I’ve never understood how they created the list every six months.”

“It might have started serious and scientific, but it definitely ain’t anymore,” Rain railed.

Fenric drew in a deep breath. “The Ministry of Hero and Villain Affairs might be one of the minor ministries, but its head is still chosen by the king. Also, out of all the them, it is supposedly one of the largest—likely behind only the Ministry of War. The Minister of Hero and Villain Affairs has his twenty minor chancellors, who then have their two hundred inspectors. Not to mention, sub-bureaus spread throughout Moorwood support even more inspectors, who gather information in other kingdoms. All those inspectors and assistants spend five months making notes on the villains and heroes. Who saved whose life. Who stopped what conflict. Who started what fire. Blah blah. It works its way back to the capital. From there, it’s organized, categorized, and ranked.”

“The only problem is, no one knows how things are ranked. The ministry has always kept the process a tight secret,” Malfas said. “No one knows if they view kidnapping a family of five as more or less evil than killing a priest of, say, Sabu.”

“Or is kidnapping a family of five farmers worse than kidnapping a family of three nobles? No one knows!” Rain whined.

Malfas nodded. “These are the kinds of things we need to know if we’re going to climb the rankings.”

Fenric scoffed. “Or even get on the list.”

“E.V.I.L. isn’t currently on the list? How big is the list?” Maxie asked as he turned to pour the eggs into the hot skillet.

“Twenty spots each. Top twenty heroes and top twenty villains,” Rain answered.

“After all the information is gathered, the minister meets with his twenty chancellors,” Fenric said, keeping Rain from heading down the path of listing all the reasons why those twenty villains didn’t deserve to be on the list at all. “They compare the new information with the last released rankings and discuss the results. Following a month of debate, the Ministry of Hero and Villain Affairs releases both lists.”

Rain roared wordlessly, pounding on the table some more. “Everyone knows both sides are bribing the minister and his flunkies so they get listed higher than they deserve. Brickle the Beast keeps paying his way into the number nineteen slot on the Villains List, and I wouldn’t let that nose-picking shit stealer lick my boots. He’s an idiot. He’s sunk more ships than I’ve even owned.”

“And the heroes aren’t any better,” Malfas said as he watched Maxie move the eggs around in the pan with a spatula.

Sadly, despite knowing the food was probably poisoned, Fenric couldn’t deny a delicious aroma was starting to drift from the kitchen. Was that part of the poison at work? Did Maxie’s magic actually try to entice you into eating his food? Fucking sinister.

“I’ve heard plenty of people state that at least seventeen of the twenty spots on the Heroes List are bought and paid for with bribes,” Malfas said.

“More like all twenty,” Rain grumbled.

“But why are the lists so important?” Maxie asked. He crossed to one of the cabinets and pulled down a chipped wooden plate. “It doesn’t seem like something people would care enough about to bribe their way onto them. Especially the villains. You’re all so badbums and amazing.”

Fenric winced. May the gods fucking forgive him, but someone needed to teach Maxie how to properly swear. “That’s badass, you mean,” he said. “Badass.”

Maxie smiled brilliantly at him. “Yes, badass.”

Rain snickered and Fenric kicked the pirate under the table, causing him to howl.

“The heroes care about the list because they receive a very healthy stipend from the government for appearing on it. Higher on the list they are, the more they receive,” Malfas explained.