Page 84 of On Your Knees

“He’s here,” Levi says. He listens for a second then replies, “Yeah, he’s okay. Are you? Are you sure? Where are you? Okay, come back then. Do you need anything? Okay. Sounds good. Bye.”

Levi ends the call and sets his phone down. Then he squeezes my hand and starts walking again, so I do too. We go upstairs and into the bedroom.

Levi lets go of my hand and starts taking off my suitcoat. He drapes it carefully over the back of a chair. I start unbuttoning my vest, but my hands are shaky, so I let Levi take over. He pulls it off me and drapes it over the chair, then he comes back to work on my shirt.

As he unbuttons it, deep, awful tremors start rippling through my body. I’ve been undressed so many times, and it’s like the memory of every single time is echoing inside me. Levi pauses with his fingers at my sternum.

“Keep going?” he whispers. When I don’t reply, he takes my hand. “Squeeze once for yes, twice for no.”

I squeeze once. He squeezes back, then he starts working again, slow and careful.

He pulls off my shirt and lays it aside, then he crouches to work on my shoes. That’s when I realize that I’ve done this with him before, in reverse, when I first undressed him to draw him. He’s giving it back to me now, inverted. Where he needed my expectations, I need his lack of them.

When he rises, he puts his hands on my sides, pausing again, waiting.

He says quietly, “I’m sorry I grabbed at you. That night.”

“I don’t remember.”

“Well, I did. I grabbed at you. I’m sorry.”

There’s enough light that I can see the tears that spill down Levi’s cheeks. My hands finally move. They tug at him and pull him against me.

“I’m sorry too,” I tell him as his arms wrap around me.

“And I know why it triggered you so much, what I did. Later that night. At the park. I know.”

My mind whites out for a second. I can’t hold all of this at once. I just can’t.

Levi says, “Let’s just get in bed. Okay?”

I squeeze him once for yes, and he works between our bodies, unbuckling my belt and unzipping my pants, something that no one has done for a long, long time. And certainly never like this.

Paul said that he loved me, but his love hurt. It ripped my soul apart.

Levi’s love is stitching my soul back together.

But that’s painful too, in a different way, and it makes tears spill from my eyes. Levi starts kissing me—my chest, my throat, my face—but it’s just to give, not to take.

I told him the truth. He knows the worst. And yet, he stayed. I didn’t think he would. I think, maybe, that’s why I told him. I couldn’t have him with me, not knowing. And I didn’t believe that, knowing, he would stay with me.

But he did.

He strips off his own clothes more quickly then pulls back the covers. We get in bed, and I grab him from behind. I pull him into me and curl around him. His arms wrap over mine, holding me to him. He sighs and settles, like he really does feel safe.

And, for once, so do I.

* * *

I sleep all night. I don’t even know the last time I slept all night. I’m groggy when I wake up with daylight flooding the room. The only thing I’m very aware of is Levi’s body against mine and my hard dick caught between us, pressing against his ass.

As I nuzzle his hair, breathing in his scent, his fingers start stroking my arms. He murmurs and presses back against me. I slide my hand down to his cock. He mumbles something as I wrap my hand around the hard length of it. I stroke him until he starts pushing harder against me, wanting me inside him, then I roll away from him and open the drawer of the bedside table.

While I’m groping around for the lube, Levi lifts himself up on his elbow, twisting around to look at me. He doesn’t ask me anything, and I’m glad. I’m not ready to talk. I just want to be with him. He sees that and settles again.

I get lube on my fingers and settle too. I massage his hole until he’s whining, then I start opening him. I take my time with it, enjoying the way he responds.

Usually, our sex is intense, even harsh, but I don’t want that right now. I want this. I don’t even care if I come. I probably won’t. Maybe he won’t either. I just want to be inside him.