Page 58 of On Your Knees

When I get to the right block, the High Castle Church is easy to identify with its grand, theater-like entrance. I run into the shade of the gold and white awning, racing for the glass doors. They’re open, and people are coming out. The main rush must have passed because it’s a trickle of people, and I’m able to weave around them.

I find myself in a huge atrium that wraps both ways around the main room. I recognize elements from the pre-sermon footage, and the space is crowded with people lingering to talk in groups or drink coffee at the café.

A gleam of gold catches my eye, and I zero in on the statue of Paul that Ethan and Ruby were standing in front of before the sermon. The voiceover identified the statue and both of them with commentary that sounded like coverage of a celebrity event. It was, I guess. At one point, the commentary also mentioned the fourteen million viewers streaming worldwide.

I head toward the statue, wondering when my luck will run out and someone will realize that I shouldn’t be here. I’m wearing sweatpants and my hair is messy. I don’t belong in this wealthy, well-dressed crowd.

I stop at the statue and look around, panicking because I don’t know how to find him or if he’s even here. I get out my phone to try calling him again—then I spot Ruby.

She’s walking away from a taped-off bathroom with an older man who looks vaguely familiar, though I’m not sure why. His gray hair is disheveled, and he has a hand over his eye. Ruby is quickly ushering him away.

With no other lead, I lurch forward to go after them—and someone catches my elbow.

I yelp and spin.

“What the hell are you doing here?” Ethan demands. His dark eyes burn on me furiously, and his grip is painfully tight.

“Looking for you,” I gasp.

His eyes narrow. “Why?”

“I was worried. What happened?”

Ethan doesn’t answer that. He says, “I don’t want you here. This isn’t a place for you.”

I flinch, both because that’s true and because this isn’t what I expected. I thought he would be upset. I mean, he is upset, but he’s upset with me. I thought I was coming to help. Like yesterday. I thought… I thought he needed me.

But he doesn’t want me here.

Ethan hauls on my arm, pulling me into a stumbling walk beside him as he conducts me through the crowd, clearly trying to get me out of the building as quickly as possible.

Embarrassed, I hurry to keep pace with him so he doesn’t drag me. People get out of our way, and the doors are open. Ethan hauls me out of the church and along the sidewalk.

I’m too stunned to really react, but when we get around the corner, he shoves me up against the wall of a stone building. He crowds into me, so clearly angry that I can’t breathe. His teeth are gritted. His eyes are blazing.

My throat tightens, and I think, He hates me.

But then he dives in and shocks me with a deep, demanding, aggressive kiss. His lips are crushed to mine. His tongue invades my mouth.

My mind spins at the sudden change, and my heart, already beating wildly, skips and speeds up further. My hands come up and grip his suitcoat, hanging on as I try to kiss him back. It’s not really possible. He’s too aggressive, and the kiss is all him. He’s demanding my submission, and I give it, softening for him, letting him take whatever he wants.

His lips break from mine and hover a mere breath away.

A car pulls up to the curb behind him. Ethan draws back from me, enough that I can see his eyes for a second before he turns away. I still see traces of anger, but I see other things too. Desire. Confusion. Bleakness.

He opens the car door for me. I get in. He walks around to the other side and gets in too. I see Patrick’s gaze in the rearview mirror. I look away and close my eyes, but it doesn’t stop the confused tears from slipping out.

Ethan never says a word.

TWENTY

Levi

It’s a very bad day. Several actually, but they run together into one long stretch of time.

Ethan doesn’t speak to me beyond necessary, emotionless words.

On a certain level, I know that whatever is wrong extends beyond me, but I can’t see any of it, and all I can feel is my own place in Ethan’s silence.