Page 45 of The Wolf and the Monarch

“Just couldn’t remember.”

“Feels like a weird thing to want to remember right now.”

He wasn’t wrong about that. Sawyer wasn’t great at being nonchalant, he was gathering. “Yeah, well. I was just thinking.”

“I can see that. What about?” Cole asked, rubbing some more antiseptic on his hand. It burned some but it was okay. Nothing Sawyer couldn’t handle after being beaten with a hot fire poker.

“Just…things.”

The man shook his head but didn’t press anymore. Cole wasn’t much for digging. It was usually appreciated but Sawyer needed the prodding at that moment.

“I was just…thinking about how I-I…I don’t want to–” Sawyer cut himself off and dropped his head with a soft growl of frustration. Why couldn’t he just fucking say it?! The worst Cole could say is no.

Well, actually, no. He could tell Milo.

But Cole wouldn’t do that. Sawyer knew he wouldn’t.

“Spit it out,” Cole said. It wasn’t a harsh statement. It was his way of encouraging Sawyer.

“I don’t want to be here anymore.”

There.

He said it. And just vocalizing it to another person, besides Benji, actually felt really good. It felt like a weight was just lifted off his shoulders. He had no idea how heavily it had really been weighing on him.

“I don’t blame you.” Cole began to wrap up his hand, not taking his eyes off it. “Why would you want to stay here?”

“Exactly.”

“But are you gonna leave?”

Sawyer shrugged a shoulder. “I’d like to.”

“How are you going to do that?”

He didn’t answer that question. He just stared blankly ahead at the wall and hoped that Cole would eventually put two and two together. At one point, the man did lift his head and looked at him with his one eye. Sawyer could feel the intense gaze but just continued to look at the wall, refusing to break eye contact with it. His cheeks grew redder and redder by the second. He couldn’t possibly look at him. It would embarrass him too much.

“Sawyer,” Cole eventually said, narrowing his eye, “How are you going to do that?” He repeated even though Sawyer was pretty sure had figured it out. He probably just wanted to hear it from him. But he didn’t budge. He just stared. “Is that why you asked about my car?” Cole finally asked.

That got Sawyer to look at him.

“You can’t even drive.”

“He can.”

Cole’s brow raised. “He? Who’s he?” Sawyer’s gaze just shifted down towards the floor then back up to Cole. He did that a couple more times. “The guy in the fucking basement?!”

Sawyer swallowed and nodded. “Yeah.”

The man just dropped his hands into his lap and stared at him like he was growing a second head. “You’re a fucking idiot.”

“Cole, c’mon,” Sawyer sighed, “He’s in a bad spot too.”

“I’m not saying he’s not but you’re an idiot for plotting this with him,” Cole rolled his eyes, “Which I assume that’s what you did.”

Sawyer wobbled his head and said, “Well, yeah.”

“I thought you’re not supposed to talk to them.”