Page 95 of Autumn Queens & Shadows

Turning around, I continued our walk back to the castle. “I had my first kiss there, where the golden arrow is.”

His steps slowed just a little and I stopped again so he could catch up to where I was.

“But you knew that, didn’t you?” I asked.

It looked like he didn’t because he looked so confused with himself. “You were with Neo.”

“Were is a very strong word. He flirted. I flirted. That was the extent of it.” Turning to fully face him, I asked, “Why, do you regret doing it?” I’ve always wanted to know that. If he regretted it. If he regretted the one memory I loved. “Is that why you did it? Because I was with Neo, and it was just another kiss you’d given to someone?”

Say yes, I wanted to say. Say yes and ruin it so I could stop thinking about it every waking and dreaming moment like some foolish nineteen-year-old girl who didn’t know better than to overthink just a simple kiss. Because to him, that was probably all it had been. A simple kiss.

“Only if you tell me something.”

That’s how it always was with us, wasn’t it? A secret for a secret. “What?”

“Did you kiss me back because I was the only one you felt comfortable enough to touch? If I had been him, would you have kissed him instead?”

My lips parted, somewhat in surprise. “How do you not already know that?”

He knew everything about me.

I knew everything about him.

There was literally nothing but a transparent sheet between me and him.

And I had been everything but subtle back then.

He angled his head to the side, still looking confused. “I was the only man you could bear to be near you, touch you, the only one you could have any sort of intimacy with. You can’t tell me that isn’t at least part of the reason why you’ve ever wanted me.”

His words made me recoil like he’d struck me, and I stood there for a quiet while, gaping at him.

Turning on my feet, I marched away.

As he’d say: fuck him.

The idiot.

Just insinuating that made me furious.

How dare he.

He faded right in front of me, forcing me to stop. “Answer me or I will take that as a yes.”

“Yes. Yes, that is why I did it. Yes, Malik, that is why I’ve been wanting to do it since the day I saw you,” I lied, and continued my marching steps to the castle gates, feeling the air chill beyond the usual, and the snow under my feet turning into a sheet of ice.

Just when the soldiers pulled the entrance doors open, I stopped again. Snow had this thing when you saw her, it made you want to bow to her. An urge I always resisted at her sight. Something I always envied.

“Snow, hi!” I said, forcing a smile.

She didn’t look happy. Considering she was currently generally unhappy at every little thing should have made me feel less concerned, but it didn’t—not with how she was looking at me. “Visha came to me.”

Of course she had.

“How come I find out about all of this now?”

“It wasn’t anything concerning,” I offered.

Her scowl furrowed even deeper. “You’ve been pushing me away,” Snow said. “And I’ve let you.”