Page 81 of Spring Guardians & Songbirds

“That day,” he started. From the melancholy in his voice I knew which day he meant. “I think I went a bit out of control and he drew my emotion onto him. All of it. I thought he dispersed it back how it is supposed to be. I guess he didn’t or couldn't.”

“So, he isn’t…sad.”

Kilian looked at me like he was entertained by what I said. “No, he isn’t sad, my love.” He opened an arm. “Come cuddle your husband.”

Cuddle? This idiot. I kicked his leg with my foot and that made him laugh. “My kingdom,” he said, coming down from his high. “My kingdom for a night where I am just a guard and you a princess I never hurt.”

“If I…let you hold me, will you shut up?”

He chuckled, his eyes drooping and drawing shut while he nodded. “I want to cuddle you, speak to you, hold you, love you. I want to kiss you,” he murmured almost asleep. “I want to do so much. I love you so much. Do you love me so much?”

I’d damn Moriko and whatever she’d given this fool. “No.”

“It’s alright,” he sighed, fully missing most of his vowels. “I love us enough.”

Reluctantly, I laid my head on the crook of his shoulder and he wrapped a massive arm around me. Gods…I missed it. How could I feel so safe in his hold when I’d feared his presence alone for years?

“Why did you ask for this? Why did you make me spend my nights with you?”

“Because I don’t want to be alone anymore.”

I didn’t understand.

He let out a sigh, burying his face in my hair and inhaling deeply. “They’ve made you for me, I could swear on it,” he murmured, voice full of sleep.

I think they might have made you for me, too. Just where did they go wrong with it?

For the first time since I’ve spent my nights with him, he slept. He slept holding me. And for the first time I heard his troubled dreams. With my name on his lips, he panted and sweat in his sleep as if he wasn’t holding me. I looked at him—it was all I did for the night. I looked when his face twisted into cries with the same name on his lips—mine. I heard his choked sobs while I contained my own. His heartbeat drummed in the silent air of the night and my own chased after it, troubled as his.

I lifted a hand to his face and wiped away the tears that had slid down his face.

He stirred awake from my touch, my hand frozen on his skin.

“Go back to sleep,” I whispered.

He stared at me for a long while. The way he searched my eyes, the way his hand tightened on me as if I were to disappear hurt my heart and I didn’t know why.

“I think you might have a temperature. Let me get a wet cloth.”

He stopped me from getting up, his grip around me tightening. “It is always how they start. You leaving and never returning. Don’t go.”

It really hurt. It hurt so much. And I didn’t know why. “I will come back.” I didn’t know why I said it.

“No. Stay.”

I rested my head back on his shoulder and shut my eyes tight—tight enough to hold my own tears back. Magic broke the barrier of my fingertips when I rested them on his body. A film of cold permeated the air and chilled his body. He shivered and I carefully wrapped an arm around him, smoothing my hand over the gooseflesh on his arm.

Why is it so hard to watch you hurt? Why does it hurt me to watch you hurt?

Chapter twelve

Hesperus

Kilian

She snored softly in my arms as she’d done for nights in a row now. It hurt everywhere and her head was pressing against my wounds, but I didn’t dare make a single move to wake her. She was sound asleep and looked so perfect on me.

Morning bright filtered in the room and Snow made a little noise of discomfort. I’d use my magic if only it didn’t give her the horror it did. For now, I only raised a hand to make shade over her eyes and she relaxed back, sighing softly.