Page 244 of Spring Guardians & Songbirds

If he was gone, would I ever see spring again?

I laid on my side of the bed and waited till dawn began to crack the skies, blowing shades of mauve inside the room. He’d returned only an hour ago from wherever he’d been, looking like death and smelling of soot. His breaths were heavy and tired when he laid beside me and I ached to turn to him, to check if he’d not been injured and bury myself in his hold. Comfort him like he’d comforted me many times. Just hold him.

My palms throbbed from how hard I’d dug my nails on skin, yet it had done nothing to soothe the pain on my chest. When a trickle of blood rolled over my wrist to soak the linens, he seemed to hold his breath. Besides my pulse, the room went dead quiet for a few moments.

He jolted from the bed and in a blink stood before me. Eyes wide in terror when he saw the blood coating my arms. “Fuck.”

When he reached out to touch me, I scooted back on the bed. “Don’t touch me.”

He grabbed my ankle and literally dragged me to him before throwing me over his shoulder. He plopped me on the bathroom sink, taking my hands under the running water. Fury was painted on his face while he washed the blood from my palms. “You’re going to stop doing that.”

That made me laugh. “Sure.”

“No,” he gritted out, holding my jaw with a hand. “You’re going to listen to this. You. Will. Not. Do. That. Again!”

“Don’t shout at me!” I yelled back.

“Then don’t do this anymore!”

“I will do what I want!”

“The fuck you will!” He weaved a hand through my hair, holding my face close to his. “Hurt me, love. Hurt the world. Hurt someone that hurt you. Speak your anger and pain, shout it, scream it, whisper it, pray it to the gods, to hells, tell it to those you love, tell it to those you hate. Lash it out if it is so hard to hold in. Break a window, someone’s bones, someone’s heart. Cry it out. Laugh it out. Share it. Give it all to me if you want. I swear, love, I will carry it for you. I’ll drain every bit of it out of you and hold it in me till forever. You only need to ask. Ask, please. Ask me to take it away. Ask me to take all your suffering. Enough…enough with this.”

Why did he have to care so much? Why did he have to care for me? I was fine with no one caring. It was fine when they all left me alone. He ruined my peace. He had ruined it all for me.

There was nothing else I could say or do, so I hopped down the sink, and rushed toward the balcony. I’d not even reached the door when he wrapped an arm around my waist and lifted me up. “I wasn’t fucking finished, Snowlin.”

“I was!”

He lowered me on the bed and pinned me down, crossing my arms over my chest. “I need you to promise me.”

That made me throw my head back with laughter. “You’re crazy. To gods, you’re madder than me.”

“No, love, I’m insane,” he bit out to my face. “Deranged. Sick. When it comes to you I’m a fucking lunatic. Now, you’re going to promise me. You’re going to give me a big, fat promise that you will not do that again.”

He made a small sound of pain and dropped his forehead to mine. Blood dripped down my hand and soaked my white shift. And for the first time, I shivered when the thick crimson liquid touched my skin. “There. Have my anger and my pain,” I murmured, pulling my dagger out of him and stabbing him again, and then another third time. He just stood there and took it. This would have been so easy for us. The guilt, the anger, and the strain I’d gone through all because of what he had hidden. Why did he have to make everything so complicated?

“Why…why do I keep missing your heart?”

He lifted his head to look at me. “The day you want it, I’ll direct you to it.”

For the first time, tears welled my eyes and I allowed them to pour. Unafraid of being weak. He’d made me unafraid of everything. Night was just a sky, darkness was just the dark, my shadows were just shadows. He’d taken all fear from me—all besides being happy. He’d made me terrified of being happy. The warm wet drops slid down my face and he leaned down kissing each of them away. At this moment, I realised that I’d never felt more loved in my existence. Not by anyone. Not ever.

“You will do what you must do.” His fingers were gentle on my cheeks, he trailed his touch all over as if he wanted to remember. “Because you deserve the world, love of mine. The piece of world that I own is yours, have it all.”

“I am going to ruin you,” I whispered.

“Ruin me.”

“Will you fight me back?”

His thumb drew circles on my temple. “I’ll fight you.”

“With all you have.”

He nodded lightly. “With all I have.”

“Alright.”