Page 192 of Winter Gods & Serpents

“Kilian?”

“Yes?”

“Do you plan on assassinating me by means of suffocating? Would you be a darling and attempt another day? I have to meet with Albius in a few moments.” She did not break our hug despite her words. Her fingers were still lazily drawing circles over my back.

“Keep doing that, and you will make the lord wait a while. A long while.”

Her head hit my chest and she groaned annoyed. “Don’t say ridiculous things like that unless you intend to do it, you fool. You always take me to that edge only for me to jump myself. It’s no fun on your own, and no, I don’t need a hand, I have two.”

I smiled and with strained will I unwrapped myself from her, kissing her forehead, down her eyes and almost all over. I could not get enough of her. She inhaled deeply as if I had really been suffocating her. Her face had received a rosy blush, her eyes darted around the room not meeting mine.

“At me, Snow, I want you to look at me.”

She rose her sparkly yellow gaze to me again. “This is severely embarrassing, so spare me a few moments,” she said nestling close to me again.

“Being with me?”

She frowned, looking somehow hurt at my words. “No, telling you that I want to be with you.”

“Because of who I am?” Again it looked as if I had hurt her by reminding.

She shook her head. “Because of what you mean to me.”

“What do I mean to you? I want to hear it.” Nightmare. That word pulsed heavy in my head.

Her fingers traced gently my face, as if she was too scared to touch me. “Spring—you are spring to me.”

That was all it took to shake me wholly. “What changed?”

She sighed, distressed. “Kil, I cannot give you the answer you are looking for.”

“Snow,” I asked, tilting her chin to me. “Do I still remind you of what I reminded you that day?”

Silence, yet I was all I needed to know. I stepped back from her. “How can you bear to do this? To let me hold you, touch you.” I could not imagine the battle of thoughts in her head, her confliction readable through her eyes.

She grabbed onto my hands, placing them over her face again. “Because for moments I allow myself to forget, and because other times you make me forget. Because I know it will end, it has to end, it is destined to end, and it makes me want to cherish you more than push you away despite whatever my head uses to push me away from you.”

“Snow, I have to tell you—”

Her hand fell over my mouth. “You have pushed me away for a reason too, but I don’t want to hear it, not now. Maybe I will never have to. I know I will not change, you know I will not change. My purpose has never changed, will never change. Tell me that you know. Tell me that you understand.”

I nodded in truth. “I know.” I did know, more than knew, yet I’d become selfish without thinking of her.

“You will hate me so, so badly. You might as well already hate me or still hate me. But would it be wrong to want you, for a while? Can it just be me and you, no realm, no past and present. Can I not just have you, a piece of you, whatever piece you choose.”

The words warmed and then blistered my heart. “You always had the whole of me. It can be whatever you want Snow, but I will never hate you.”

“I will not hold onto that promise, Kil, I cannot.”

“Go,” I said, giving her one last tight embrace. “We will talk about this later again. You have time to think if you want to pull those words away. I’ll pretend I have never heard them if you choose too and cherish them forever within.”

Her head dropped in surrender, it took her a long moment before she straightened and nodded.

We’d agreed to a lie wedged between a cruel truth. It didn’t exactly make us liars, only authors of an end written before its start. Perhaps we were liars, authors were the cruellest romancers with penchant for the cruellest ends. This end had tangles, she’d hurt more than I.

Chapter 35

War and Queens