Page 149 of Winter Gods & Serpents

I nodded in understanding. “Such a shame the attacks are so far up north, all that travel must not be easy either. Odd they have centred in the Islines and nowhere else?”

He frowned slightly at my words. “What are you doing?”

I pushed it too quickly I suppose. I stood and sat myself in his lap and kissed him. Obliging, he wrapped his hands around me to meet my demand. I broke the kiss and pulled back. “Making conversation Elias, we have not spoken in ages. What did you want me to ask, how your father’s migraine is?” I teased breathlessly and he laughed.

“What made you change your mind?”

“Does my previous statement have to change? It’s so very vapid around here, and my new tails are not making it easier for me. Could it not be just for fun?”

“Fun it is, though my own previous statements do not change,” he added before grabbing me again to his lips. A deep mess of lips and tongue meeting each other continuously till I felt him get hard against me.

I pulled away from him. There was something wrong with me. It took me a small moment to realise the fervour was very particular, not for him and for another.

His eyes stewed in frustration and need. “Is there something wrong?”

“I have to meet Sam shortly, this and you, it will have to wait.” Not entirely true, Sam and I had hours before our meeting. I just wanted it to stop.

He sighed but nodded. “I return tomorrow evening again.”

I halted. “That quickly? Aren’t you with Moregan up North?”

He nodded, “Yes and…no. Somewhere closer…only to exchange information then…I will probably get new orders.” The war camps. The one Sam had not wanted to tell me about. I knew Elias was inside my father’s dirty work.

I waited in the library to meet Sam, who had just returned from Casmere after verifying troops, check on their training and inspect the new royal forgery weapons at the sea line city. He had found a way after all, to do as I had asked him. I could not concentrate, my head jumped in a thousand ponds and leaped like frog between my plans to grip winter court, to the unusuality of my father’s behaviour to Nia and then stopping right at him again, Kilian. A thousand conclusions poured out, heating every strand of thought till I was left hitting my head with a book.

“Osmosis doesn’t work like that, you have to actually read it,” Cai called from where he sat across me. His silent words danced around me, unsaid and frustrating. The usual look he gave every time Nia or Alaric sent him to bring me back to my senses. Surprisingly, it always worked, he knew a way in.

“How are you letting that jester behave around you like that?”

I slammed the book down, crossing my arms. “I have come to the decision that the jester is handsome, likes me and is blessed with some delicious assets, would you like for me to continue explaining why? My list is so very long dear, I won't spare all the nooks and crannies of his graces,” I provoked in a smile, leaning in the table. “Why so surprised? You’ve never been so surprised before, you know he is not my first jester ride.”

“He is the Isjordian kind.”

“I am Isjordian too.”

He shook his head. “You’re no such thing.”

“You can deny it as many times you like, but a truth need not be spoken or expected to be a truth.”

“What is the matter, I’ve never seen you like this?”

Alone. It felt terrible to feel alone. Nia had made me doubt the closest comfort I had to not feeling alone. It had made me push away not only her but everyone, even Cai. “No, neither have I. Have you been telling Mal all of my secrets too? Anything I should be aware of, or are you planning on just backstabbing and walking away?”

He shook his head and laughed with faded amusement. “This is not about what she did, is it?” he leaned on the table, his face mere inches from me, skimming for reaction. “It is about what she didn’t tell you. It is because you don’t want her to be against what you want.”

He read my truth, but I still refused to give in. “You are wrong.”

“Many times I am. When it comes to you, never.”

I groaned, slouching on my seat. “Everyone seems to have a thing about knowing me so well.”

He took a silver foiled candy out from his pocket and threw it to me. Damned sweets that were terribly hard to find. How did he always have them? “Speak it, and I pay you more.”

Salted caramel candy. My mouth salivated while unravelling the sweet. I’d asked bakers to replicate the taste several times with no luck. “I cannot give up. I am also doubting myself about giving up, because continuing means upsetting maybe even…losing Nia. I cannot lose another sister.”

He threw me another one that quickly ended up in my mouth. “What about you, cakes? I want to know what you want, not what they would have wanted or what Nia, or anyone else for that matter.”

“You know what I want, it has never not once changed.” I chewed on the tough caramel and turned to him again. “What do you want, Cai?” Did I not know him too? Did we have such of a vague friendship as to not know the first thing about their desires?