Page 145 of The Jealous Girl

Would they?

‘You felt like you needed Ryan, because they made you feel like you weren’t good enough on your own. That you weren’t strong enough. That you couldn’t cope.’

I kicked at the sand.

‘But look at what you have accomplished, Kirsty.’

‘Getting arrested is hardly an accomplishment.’

‘I’m not talking about that. None of that is on you. You built a life for yourself, first in Malta, then here.’

‘Ryan was with me in Malta.’

Ben shrugged, conceding that point. ‘But he wasn’t with you here.’

I couldn’t dispute that one.

‘Charlotte thought I stayed in Swanage to be close to Ryan, hoping to win him back,’ I said.

‘Did you?’

I paused. ‘Maybe on some level. I mean, he did come back, didn’t he?’

‘Only to leave you again.’

I exhaled. He had a point.

‘Yesterday, after you’d left, he said I was manipulative.’ I swallowed. ‘Like Charlotte.’ The words caught in my throat.

Ben scoffed. ‘That’s ridiculous.’ He shook his head. ‘For a start, you are nothing like her. And secondly,’ he gave me a small smile, ‘I don’t even think you’d know how to be manipulative if you tried.’

I didn’t respond. I just sat there, letting his words settle around me. They felt warm and reassuring.

And yet a flicker of doubt still lingered.

Ryan thought I was manipulative. Ryan, who knew me better than anyone.

‘Why did you want to marry him?’ Ben asked.

‘Why wait when you know what you want?’

‘Did you know?’

I hesitated. ‘I thought I did.’

I rubbed my thumb against the empty space on my ring finger. ‘But maybe what I really wanted was…’ I shook my head, searching for what it was. That intangible sense of something that I couldn’t quite grasp. ‘Safety,’ I said finally.

The realisation hit me hard.

That’s what it was. What I wanted. What I’d always wanted.

Safety. Certainty. A place that I belonged.

‘The highs. The lows. The inconsistency. It would all have been bearable if I knew he would always come back…’ I stopped as I realised what I’d said.

‘I needed that sense of belonging,’ I said quietly. ‘When I was with him, it was the first time I felt like I was accepted. Like I was wanted.’

Ben lifted my chin, till my gaze met his.