Page 98 of 10 Things I Hate About Zombies

Larissa did not look convinced, but at least she walked with them down to Inkstigators. She engaged Nick in a spirited debate about data centres and workers’ rights, and Nick was very chivalrously not whacking her with the sharps container, even though she probably deserved it.

‘I’m glad you’re feeling better,’ said Cleo, linking her arm through Zoey’s. Her bangles clinked like celebratory champagne glasses. ‘I knew last night wasn’t an accurate picture of who you are.’

‘I think I just ate something that disagreed with me,’ said Zoey. Which was true, if off by a degree of Kevin Bacon. All right, so someone else had eaten something that had disagreed with them, and had then bitten her, but Cleo didn’t need a blow-by-blow account of the whole thing.

‘I can see why Nick’s so in love with you, though,’ Cleo went on. ‘You’re ridiculously pretty for one, even when you’re lurching up the B&B steps in mismatching boots. And I’ve never seen anyone navigate Zombie Shuffle traffic like that. Plus I hear that you’re all about Frog and Toad. We read those books obsessively as kids. You know there’s a show now, too?’

‘Oh, I’ve memorised every episode,’ said Zoey, humming the upbeat theme tune.

‘But truly, we love that you’re in his life. Since the whole Jessica debacle, it’s just been Nick and Alice. No offence, Alice,’ added Cleo, stooping to give the Aussie a pat.

‘I’m starting to find that a whole community follows Nick wherever he goes,’ said Zoey.

‘It’s the truck,’ called Nick. ‘You make friends when you have a truck. Especially in a city where most people don’t own a car.’

‘There’s always someone who spots a brilliant kerb find but can’t get it home without help,’ said Zoey. ‘Well, here we are!’

They were at the strip of shops where Inkstigators was nestled. Joaquin was out the front, vaping and flipping through a copy of The Onion’s print edition.

‘Zoey!’ Joaquin set down the paper and hurried up. ‘Is it safe to hug you?’

‘Oh yeah, all back to normal.’ Zoey glanced at Larissa, who was staring judgementally down at a fake ad for washing machines designed to launder money. ‘I’m not contagious or anything. Just a … tummy bug.’

‘Do you have any room for a couple of walk-in tattoos?’ begged Zoey, pushing Cleo forwards. ‘With the special ink.’

‘Ooh, special ink!’ said Cleo. ‘I can definitely spare some skin in the name of special ink.’

‘Not me.’ Larissa was shaking her head so vehemently it might fall off. (And if she’d been a zombie, it might have.) ‘I can’t spare a single inch. I’ve had to defend far too many people with “identifying characteristics” that have worked against them. I’m just here because of peer pressure.’

‘We could do a scales of justice piece for you,’ said Joaquin. ‘Something discreet.’

‘Absolutely not,’ said Cleo.

Joaquin pushed open the tattoo-shop door, inviting them in.

But then …

‘Braaains,’ came a gurgling, yet somewhat high-pitched voice from behind Zoey.

Nick and Zoey spun in tandem, syringes at the ready. A zombie wavered there, cut-throat razor in hand and barber’s apron covered with … well, Zoey wasn’t going to look too closely.

‘And … stab!’ shouted Zoey.

Simultaneously, Nick jabbed the zombie on its left flank, and Zoey its right. After unleashing a groan like a deflating balloon, the zombie shook itself off – losing the green tinge from its extremities and the hunched posture from its shoulders.

Then Opal stood before them, looking confused. Well, shit. Apparently Nova had unleashed those chompers on her coworker at some point.

‘Damn, I could go for a grilled cheese,’ Opal whispered, combing out his designer mullet with a grimace.

Perhaps it was a good time to get out of the smoothie business and into the grilled-cheese market. Just so long as mushrooms weren’t on the menu. Terriffany could probably advise.

‘Holy shit,’ said Cleo, with a burst of laughter, when Opal ambled off, still muttering about cheese. ‘You should’ve told me there’d be jump scares. And grilled-cheese food trucks.’

‘It’s all part of the Portland experience,’ said Zoey. At least Cleo was taking this all in stride.

Larissa, meanwhile, was frowning. ‘Something just stung me. Are murder hornets a thing here?’

‘Um?’ said Zoey. Ah. She caught Nick’s wink as he put another syringe into his sharps container. Nothing like a little misdirection when you’re giving someone a vaccine. ‘There’s probably just polyester in the air from the Zombie Shuffle.’