Page 95 of Bone Year

“And you’re the one who came to a monster looking for relief, Red. Don’t act surprised by what you found.”

He pushes past me and out the door, leaving me alone in the room.

I don’t remember sliding down the wall. I don’t remember the lamp going out. I don’t remember how long I sit there in the dark with my knees pulled to my chest and the puncture wounds in my neck slowly clotting and the sound of Jace’s footsteps replaying in my head.

I didn’t fuck Malric.

It doesn’t matter. Jace doesn’t believe me. And the worst part is, I can’t even blame him, because I did let Malric put his mouth on me. I did let a man I despise drink from my throat because I couldn’t bear my own grief for one more second.

I’m not innocent. I am only less guilty than he thinks.

Poppy finds me.

She squeezes through the crack in the door, chirps once, and scrambles across the cold stone. She climbs into my lap and presses her small body against my chest like she’s trying to hold me together.

I wrap my arms around her and bury my face in her fur.

She is the only thing I haven’t destroyed yet.

We sit there in the dark. Her heartbeat against mine. Her warmth, the only thing keeping me from disappearing completely.

Chapter Twenty-One

“The students who survive are not the ones who feel nothing. They are the ones who feel everything and keep walking anyway.”

— Veilguard Memoir, Unsigned

I can’t go back to my room.

If I go back there, I’ll have to think. I’ll have to feel. I can’t believe I let Malric put his mouth on me. I can’t believe how close I came to letting it go further. Jace walked in and saw exactly what Malric wanted him to see, and I don’t know if he’ll believe me when I tell him I stopped it. It doesn’t matter.

My feet carry me down instead of up.

Past the fifth floor. Past the fourth. Down and down and down until I reach the basement level where the descent party happened, where the blood and breath year students keep their bar. It’s not official or anything, a forgotten room that someone cleared out years ago, furnished with stolen chairs and a collection of bottles that grows every semester.

It’s empty when I get there, because it’s the middle of the night and everyone else is asleep or studying or living lives that haven’t fallen apart.

I don’t bother with a glass. I grab the first bottle I see and drink straight from it. The burn hits my throat and spreads through my chest. It’s not nearly enough to take away my pain and disgust with myself.

I drink more.

I sit on the cold stone floor with my back against the wall, and I drink until my hands stop shaking, until the image of Nella’s eyes going empty starts to blur. Until I can’t feel Malric’s hands on my skin anymore. Can’t see the look on Jace’s face.

The bottle is half empty when I hear footsteps.

I don’t look up and don’t care.

The footsteps stop.

“Of all the places to find you.”

That voice. Cold and sharp and familiar, I hate that I know it without looking.

I lift my head.

Draven stands in the doorway, arms crossed, golden eyes scrutinizing me. The bottle in my hand. My tangled hair. The blood still crusted on my collar.

“Go away.” My voice comes out slurred. Good. That means it’s working.