Page 140 of Bone Year

I feel my eyes start to well up, and the last thing I want to do is cry right now again, but I think admitting the full story out loud last night made me really start to accept it.

I’ll never see my father again, never hear his voice again.

Tears blur my vision, and I quickly wipe my eyes, because I’ve cried enough and should be over it by now, but I don’t think it’s something I’ll ever get over.

One of the things I fear most in the world is death and what comes after, and I wasn’t ready to make peace with it. I may never be. Grief is not a wave that breaks and passes, it is the tide, and the tide always comes back.

Something small and warm presses into my side.

Poppy has appeared, and she climbs up my chest with her small hands, and her round dark eyes find mine, and she sits back on her haunches and tilts her head.

I sit up, lift her into my arms, and bury my face in her fur.

She doesn’t make a sound. She lets me hold her. Her fluffy body is warm and steady against my chest, and her heartbeat is the same heartbeat as mine.

“Hi, Pops,” I whisper into her fur.

She presses her face against the side of my neck.

I don’t know how long I sit there with her in my arms before I hear the clatter of something being set on the table in the next room. The soft scrape of a chair. The faint sound of a fire being stoked.

He’s still here. We have to walk back today, and my ankle is already protesting it.

I wipe my face with the back of my hand and kiss the top of Poppy’s head, and slowly put my feet on the cold floor.

I cannot fall apart in front of him.

Not again. Not twice in two days. Whatever last night was, I let him see too much already. I’m not going to walk out into that nave with red eyes and a swollen face and let him think I’m the kind of girl who cries every morning, the weak human he already thinks I am.

I press my palms against my eyes until the pressure spreads. I take three slow breaths and glance at Poppy.

“Want to find some breakfast?”

She’s off the bed and at the door before I can even get my leather pants on.

Food is always the way to her heart. Whoever said eidolons don’t need to eat clearly never met a raccoon.

I get dressed and head into the tiny bathroom with a single toilet attached to the bedroom and get cleaned up the best I can. I run my fingers through my hair, because gods forbid Professor Bale put a brush in our midterm pack.

Once I’m feeling like myself again, I head out of the bedroom and find Draven sitting in the chair with his feet kicked out in front of him, staring at the fire. His hair is pulled back into a usual half bun, but a couple of stray pieces have fallen near his mouth. I follow a dark strand and notice how full and smooth his lips are, and when he clears his throat, I realize I’m staring awkwardly. I brush my hands on my pants and walk over to the table.

“Seamkeeper Ostric was here. He said Lynn, Edric’s wife, dropped this basket off for us this morning.” Draven waves toward the basket sitting open on the table.

“Sad I missed him,” I say sarcastically as I walk over and peek inside.

Without Tomas’s family, I fear we would have survived purely on crusty bread this entire trip. Inside the basket are a few hard-boiled eggs and grainy muffins. I toss a muffin to Poppy and start peeling an egg for myself.

“So…your wing’s all healed?” I ask, looking over and realizing it’s no longer visible.

“Mm.”

“When should we head back?”

He gets to his feet, closing the door on the hearth. “I’m going to have a word with Edric, make sure he’s healing alright. Pack our things and tell Ostric we’re leaving, will you?”

I nod, rolling my eyes to myself, because I don’t really care to talk to Ostric.

“I guess last night didn’t change things. He’s back to his cryptic bossy self this morning, isn’t he?” I say to Poppy, who’s stuffing her face with pieces of muffin next to the fire.