Page 252 of The Monster and the Masochist

He didn’t dig his heels in.

He turned his mistake into an opportunity to better himself.

Now, this is fiction, so men like Nolan in the real world are about as rare as fucking unicorns, but I think this is important to showcase, because due to the nature of the patriarchal system we’re forced to co-exist in, there are many people who might otherwise have be allies, but have been raised in environments that prevent them from ever growing as individuals.

People make mistakes, and I don’t think we should be defined by our fuckups.

We should be defined by how we handle ourselves after those fuckups.

I think it’s also worth mentioning that Nolan might not be as straight as he thinks he is. What’s sad to me, is he may have never had the chance to consider that, or experiment with that side of himself, due to the fact that he’s just as much of a victim of the patriarchy as the rest of us.

Which brings me to my next point.

As already mentioned in the forward, this book was extremely difficult for me to write, and the reason for that, is Theo’s trauma and healing journey closely mirrors my own.

There are differences, obviously.

For one, I’m not a bad ass underground street fighter – I am but a smol squishy book worm XD.

Another way we differ is Theo’s childhood trauma was more chronic than mine, but, alas, our coping mechanisms were the same.

And I say were the same, because much like Theodora, I’ve come a long way in my healing journey. I want to spend a little time discussing that here, in the hopes that anyone who has suffered anything close to what Theo’s been through, can hopefully garner some small semblance of hope.

The message I’m hoping you come away from this with is: Healing is possible, which is not something I really believed myself until recently.

I think we’re all aware at this point that the system is broken, and it’s very unlikely that predators like Father Samwell will ever see any sort of real legal justice in the real world.

The people who run the system are Father Samwells, so expecting survivors to truly find any sort of true justice is just… unfortunately not realistic. I’m not only speaking from experience, but from a statistically accurate position.

According to RAINN, nearly every minute, someone in the U.S. is sexually assaulted. Every nine minutes, that someone is a child.

And here’s the kicker… 98% of perpetrators walk free.

I’ll say that again.

98% of perpetrators walk free.

Let that sink in.

As much as this infuriates me – like… Cassandra and her Monster on a rampage level of fury – this is clearly a systemic issue that will not be resolved overnight.

These things are going to continue to happen until something changes.

And while it’s important that we have these conversations and continue to fight for a better, safer tomorrow, we still need to think about the millions of survivors who are currently living their everyday lives with zero idea on how to cope.

Hell, some of them might not even know that the reason they’re self-destructing is connected to their assault.

I know I didn’t.

It may seem insane, but for seventeen long years, I found myself in a toxic spiral similar to the one our bb Theo is struggling with throughout most of this book. Until recently, I didn’t truly understood that my coping mechanisms were a form of self-medication for something I was not equipped to handle on my own.

Much like Theo, for most of my life, I went through extreme ups and downs, and often used alcohol in excess when I was down, only to go for long stretches of time where I fully believed I was totally ‘fine.’

This, understandably put a great deal of stress on my marriage, as on the surface, my partner couldn’t understand where this behaviour was coming from.

He didn’t know what happened to me.

No one did.