Page 143 of Pretty Thing

I don’t understand why her anger is directed at Felix, but she’s in pain and looking for anyone to blame today. We don’t linger in the awkward tension.

“You doing okay,” Felix asks as I buckle my seatbelt.

“I am now,” I say, grabbing his hand. “It’s just so sad. The police keep saying that Kyle was a drug dealer, but I don’t believe it.”

Felix pulls away from the curb.

“Why don’t you believe it?”

Seriously? I glare at the side of Felix’s face.

“Why would you ask that?”

He looks at me and shrugs.

“I’m just asking. I didn’t know him well, and sometimes we don’t really know the people we think we do. Some people are good at hiding what they don’t want you to see.”

Felix has a point. How well do I really know Kyle? Yeah, we grew up together, but we aren’t kids anymore. I don’t live with them, and we haven’t gone to school together since graduation. I don’t know how he spends time when he’s not hanging out with me or Kris. Life has slowly pulled us in different directions.

But selling drugs…I don’t see it.

“I’m sorry, I don’t mean to upset you,” Felix says.

“I guess it’s possible, but I just can’t bring myself to believe it.”

Felix smiles and squeezes my hand.

“That’s because you’re a good and loyal friend.”

“What are all these bags?”

I point at the backseat, overflowing with shopping bags.

“I didn’t want to go home and sit there all alone. I needed something to do, so I went shopping. They’re new clothes for you.”

“All of that is for me?”

“Yeah. Some stuff I got in a few colors, and other stuff I know will look incredible on you. I um…I even got you an outfit for Kyle’s funeral. I didn’t think you’d feel up to shopping and might want to hang out with Kris again.”

Even with everything horrible going on, Felix is a constant. The calm in the storm and a guiding light, keeping me from drifting too far off course. It’s strange that I can still be happy when there has been so much sadness. Felix makes me feel like we’ll be okay no matter what comes our way, as long as we’re together.

“That is so incredibly sweet.” The words tremble coming out, and I wipe the never-ending tears away. “I can never repay you, Felix. For everything that you’ve done since the accident and…”

“Shh, it’s okay. I know, and you never have to pay me back. I want to do this for you. I love you, and that means your pain is my pain.”

He grips my hand tighter, and I nod.

When we get to the loft, I help Felix carry the bags in, then kick off my shoes. I flop onto the couch and stare at my turtles. A few hours ago, they were the greatest gift in the world.

Felix sits down with me, and it’s quiet for a long time. My mind drifts to so many memories of the people I’ve lost. None of it feels real anymore.

Is there such a thing as too much pain?

So much that you lose the ability to process any more?

“Have you finalized names,” Felix asks, drawing me out of my deep thoughts of death and sadness.

“Yeah, I think so,” I say, shifting around to lean against Felix. His arms wrap around me like it’s second nature. I point. “That’s Joy, and that’s Hope.”