Page 40 of Allegiant

It’s also made me slightly ridiculous.

“Why are you smiling like that?” Larry grumps from his place on the couch. Nugget is sprawled over his lap, merrily snoozing. “You haven’t stopped. Are you dying?”

“No, I’m not dying. I’m happy. Very happy.”

Larry glowers at me from his place on the couch. “Unfortunate.”

I mix the dressing into the salad I made him. He’s not going to eat it, but I’m going to attempt to force it down his gullet. He needs some greens before he turns into a hamburger.

“Me dying won’t get you out of eating this salad. Like I’ve said before, you need more vegetables in your diet.”

“Fuck vegetables.”

“Only zucchini, or you may end up in the hospital.”

He grumbles, and I keep my smile on my face. If I keep doing this, I won’t think about how upset I am. Not just about Samson continuing to disappear on me, but also about…the other thing. Coming up in two days.

I’m going to keep it together. I am.

Fake it until you make it. It’s how I’ve survived the last year. And I’m determined to make it this time, too. Even if my cheeks ache and my teeth hurt.

That’s better than facing reality.

“Here you go,” I say, handing Larry a bowl of salad before taking my own and plopping down next to him. He stares down into the bowl, willing it to burst into flames before he has a chance to eat it.

Sadly, he lacks that power.

“Go on, try it. It has candied walnuts in it. You’ll love it!”

He mutters under his breath, “If you stop fucking smiling, I’ll take a bite.”

That makes my lips turn down slightly before I wrench them back up. “No can do! I am a happy person. You can’t dull my light, Larry. Eat your fucking salad!”

He stares at me long and hard, and the intense scrutiny makes my forced happy mood wobble slightly. But I turn my gaze down to my salad and force some into my mouth. It tastes good, of course it does, but it’s hard to swallow.

Just like the anniversary of Adam’s death.

It’s fucking hard to exist like this. But I have to push through.

Even if it was all my fault.

“How can you chew with a smile on your face?”

“It’s a talent,” I reply and wink at Larry.

He hits me in the knee with his cane. It smarts, but it wasn’t that hard, and I ignore him, forcing the entire bowl down. Larry hasn’t touched his. Even Nugget hasn’t bothered to wake and sniff at it. He’ll eat a literal book, but never a vegetable.

Larry will eat it when I’m gone. I’m sure of it.

“When you finish your salad, you can have a cookie. I made them just for you.”

His eye twitches. “I’ll eat my cookie when I goddamn want.”

That makes a genuine laugh appear from my throat, and it sits oddly on my tongue. It comes out as more of a squeak, and Larry points at the door with his cane.

“Get out. When you’re in a proper mood you can come back.”

“I thought you never wanted me to visit,” I retort. “And now you want me to come back?”