Page 125 of Allegiant

Matthias shines a light directly on the one part of this I’ve been hiding. I told Rowan that I’m in love with him.

And he didn’t say it back.

A small voice whispers that I’d just broken his heart. That he felt betrayed. Of course he wasn’t going to admit that he feels the same as I do.

But I have no proof that Rowan loves me. For all I know, I’ve been in this alone. He was upfront about using me as a distraction. There’s nothing to say his feelings changed at all.

My mind slips to Rowan smiling at breakfast with Jules and Harley, his leg wrapped around mine.

Him finding me in my shed and helping me dance, his hands guiding me to the beat.

Making all my brothers and their partners show up to learn something I cherished.

Standing up for me.

My throat feels like it’s covered in barbs as I swallow. “I don’t know if Rowan loves me.”

Matthias tilts his head. “What do you mean?”

I shrug, self-conscious. I don’t like talking about this shit. “I dunno. Not like anyone’s ever loved me before. I guess Mom did, but she’s been gone so long now it’s…hazy. And Father, he wasn’t capable of it. Don’t think he loved any of us, really. So, how do I know what it feels like?”

“Samson…” Matthias squeezes my ankle again until I look up at him. “You are loved. Everyone in this house loves you. It’s why Wylder and Harley have been taking turns watching Rowan around the clock. Why Cade, Neo, and Ansel have been losing sleep tracking down the fucker who killed Adam. And why I’m here right now. Even Dalton’s been working on something, but I’ll let him tell you about that.”

I wish I had the energy to ask, but I don’t.

None of it matters now that he’s gone.

“You know what it is to be loved,” Matthias says. “It might not look the same as in other families, but we’ve never been the same.”

“No.” I chuckle lightly, the sound hollow. “We haven’t.”

“You forget, we’ve seen how Rowan looks at you. It’s the same way Wyatt looks at me. Ansel at Cade. Neo at Wylder.” He pauses. “And, neither of them are willing to admit it, but it’s how Jules and Harley look at each other, too. We’re surrounded by love. It just takes time to realize it.”

“I want to believe you,” I croak. “If I had just a sliver of fucking hope that there’s something out there for me to fight for, then I’d be doing it, dammit.”

Matthias gets to his feet, extending a hand. “Then it’s time for you to come and see Dalton’s project.”

We find Dalton in his office. He doesn’t hear us come in, fully engrossed in whatever’s on his computer screen. I always find it weird to watch Dalton work. Not on his Firm job. There, he’s the same caustic asshole he is everywhere else.

But when he’s looking at architecture, he becomes a different person. Quieter. Settled.

Happier.

I wonder if this is what he’d be like if Father hadn’t meddled in our destinies. If his training hadn’t stripped away everything we loved about ourselves, molding us into what he wanted us to be instead.

My hand curls as though my ancient stuffie is there. The one Mom gave me when I was a child. It’s an unconscious movement that hasn’t happened in years. I used to do it a lot, especially in the months after Father threw it into the fire and made me stand there until it was nothing more than a pile of ash.

I stopped doing it after Father noticed. He took a cane to my hand whenever it happened, beating the desire and need out of me.

But here, watching Dalton, I do it again. I remember a part of myself that once existed, and I embrace it.

“Oh.” Dalton suddenly spots us, straightening in his chair. “Is he ready?”

There’s a noise behind us. I glance over my shoulder to see Wylder and Cade have joined us, the latter holding a massive plate of food. Harley must be watching Rowan.

“He is,” Matthias says, nudging me forward. “Show him.”

I hesitate. Wylder nods at me encouragingly as Cade smiles.