Page 53 of Virtually Guarded

My mate. I loved him, and I would never be able to tell him.

Xavier. I’m sorry.

Chapter Twelve: Xavier

I didn’t follow Ren. I should have. He needed to know he wasn’t alone. That I didn’t think any less of him for losing it like that. That he hadn’t scared me away.

I didn’t go after him, because the suddenness of his change from fearful to flirtatious to furious stunned me. He’d shown glimpses of fear and anger at the hunt house, but nothing like this. The flirty interlude in our conversation might have been genuine or it might have been Ren trying to escape his thoughts and memories.

With no way to know other than asking him, and reasonably certain he wouldn’t answer if I did ask, I trudged back to my room.

Romantic relationships weren’t my strong point. I’d never been in one. I’d had two friendships that ran deeper than some of the romances I’d witnessed, with friends who became my sexual partners because our connections were intense enough to allow me to be attracted to them. Since we hadn’t strived for anything beyond friendship, things with them had been easy.

With Ren, I wanted more. Despite my assertion that we were only friends until he was ready to move forward, we were already more than that. Mates. Fated to be with each other, and only each other, for the rest of our lives. That was pretty damn intense, and with my wolf and human sides not fully agreeing about how to proceed, I was tripping over myself emotionally. And fucking things up royally with Ren.

Maybe it was better that we keep our distance until we both figured things out. I didn’t know how to help him. There was nothing I could say to make his past go away, to take the awfulness out of his mind. I could be with him as he worked through things, but only if he wanted me with him. Right now, it was hard to tell if he did.

Downstairs, a door closed, the thud faintly reaching my ears. I dismissed the sound. One of the other guards was probably checking the perimeter, as someone did every evening.

I stayed up on the third floor for a while, watching the sky darken over the city. My mood darkened right along with it. No matter how many times I replayed the conversation with Ren, I couldn’t make sense of how rapidly his mood had gone back and forth. I had no clue what I could have said differently.

When it was fully dark, I gave up. There was no point going over and over the whole thing with Ren. I couldn’t change any of it, but I could check on him now. Maybe his temper had settled, and maybe this time I would know the right things to say.

In the hallway outside the closed door to Ren’s room, I listened—and heard nothing. Not even breathing to indicate that Ren was inside. He had to be in there, though. Where else would he have gone?

I tapped lightly on the door. “Ren? It’s Xavier. Can I come in?”

Nothing. No sound. No movement.

He had a right to privacy, but the absolute silence behind that door worried me. Hoping he wouldn’t be too pissed off at the invasion, I turned the knob and pushed the door open.

The room was empty. Ren’s bed was neatly made, with an oversized T-shirt and a pair of shorts folded on top of the two piled pillows. I saw no sign that he’d come in here at all.

The door I’d heard. What if it wasn’t one of the other guards? What if that sound had been Ren leaving the house? I had just let him walk away from me upstairs. Hadn’t tried to stop him, hadn’t followed him. Hadn’t even reached out through our bond. Maybe he’d assumed that meant I didn’t want him anymore. Maybe he was gone.

“Shit.” I raced down the back stairs to the kitchen. Ren wasn’t there, either. The back door was closed, the blind over the door’s window slightly askew. Frantically, I looked around. Ren had to be here somewhere.

He wasn’t. I felt his absence as keenly as his presence. Wherever he was, he was not in this house.

“What’s going on?” Laurits strode into the room, yawning. “Xavier? Is everything okay?”

“Have you seen Ren?” Some frigging guard I was. I couldn’t even keep track of my mate. Admitting as much to the guy who was second in command of the guards probably wouldn’t do me any favors, but the only thing I cared about at the moment was finding Ren. “We had…He got upset upstairs. I was giving him space, but now I can’t find him.”

Looking concerned, Laurits shook his head. “Haven’t seen him since supper. You and he, you’re mates, aren’t you? Use the bond.”

“He isn’t here.” I reached along the bond, confirming what I already knew. The sense of Ren at the other end of the connection was dulled. No thoughts, just pain and panic.

Then words, faint but unmistakable. Xavier, I’m sorry.

“Shit!” This time, I yelled, ignoring Laurits’s flinch. “He’s…” Ren. Where are you?

Nothing.

“Xavier, talk to me.” Laurits approached me, all business now. “What’s going on?”

“He said he’s sorry. Now he isn’t answering.” I reached out again and felt only the dimmest sense of Ren. Fading. “Laurits, we have to find him! He’s…” Dying. I couldn’t bring myself to say it. “Hurt. He’s hurt.” My mind raced. Panic wiped away any critical thinking skills I might have had. “I don’t know where he is.”

“Listen.” Laurits’s firm tone cut through the static in my brain. I was a guard. He was my superior. I had to listen to him. Thank gods for training. “He’s on foot, yeah? How long ago did he leave?”