Page 48 of Virtually Guarded

I nodded. “He only wants to talk about what you’re going to do here. Like, help in the kitchen, or work with Kyle on Virtual Haven and the rest of the support group stuff.”

“Yeah. Good. Having something to do would be good.” He stepped back. “I want to sleep. I guess I’ll see you at breakfast.”

“Yeah. Breakfast is between six and seven.”

“Cool. Good night.” With a deep breath, he closed the door in my face.

For a second, all I could do was stare at the door. The man who’d asked, practically pleaded, for me to hold him as we slept the past few nights now wouldn’t even let me into his room.

Something was broken. In the hour or so it had taken to drive here from the hunt house, something had fractured between Ren and me. Our bond was there, but it felt like…Like a kinked garden hose. Existing but not fully functioning. Not letting everything through.

If I stood there long enough, maybe Ren would feel my confusion. My sadness. Maybe he would open the door again and talk to me. Explain. Let me touch him, hold him.

If I stood there long enough, he might feel cornered. Trapped.

I didn’t stand there.

For the next few days, I only saw Ren at meals. The house wasn’t as large as the hunt house, but it had ample space for him to avoid me if he chose, and clearly that was what he’d chosen. Staying in his room or in the den with Kyle, where the two of them were working to create the digital platform for the support groups the Anax had proposed. Walking away if I went toward him. Even sitting on the other side of the dining table.

I tried to act like it didn’t bother me. Went about my usual business, following orders, monitoring the house, protecting the Anax. Fortunately, no threats arose. Even the Wednesday meeting with the three alphas went smoothly, though since the Anax himself had instated the Berkshires Pack Alpha, and Enzo Pereira was still trying to make up for what his pack had put Ren through, it wasn’t surprising that they were on their best behavior. I didn’t know the Hudson Pack Alpha, but he barely spoke and was so bland he practically blended with the wallpaper. I couldn’t really see him causing any issues.

I did my job, because that was what I was there for. Talked with the other guards. Reported to the Anax. Joked around a little with Kyle, because the guy was such a wiseass it was impossible not to joke around with him. But the entire time, I felt Ren nearby, and the fact that I couldn’t talk to him, that he wasn’t asking me to lie in bed with him at night, felt like a spike through my heart.

This had to be what people talked about when they said being away from your mate was painful. The agony was nothing I’d felt before, but Ren was here. In the same house. I could see him. Hear him sometimes, if I happened to be near the den when he and Kyle were working—and damn, my wolf was pissed that Ren was spending time with Kyle and not with me.

Ren was in the same house, but we might have been a million miles apart. I missed him. Even when we were in the dining room together, I missed him. And every time he walked away from me, every time I went to bed alone, a piece of me was torn away.

Chapter Eleven: Ren

Two weeks ago, I hadn’t even known Xavier Pelly existed. Or that werewolves existed, for that matter. Two weeks ago, my biggest fears were someone bashing me on the street, having nowhere to sleep, and not being able to find food. Which, to be fair, were pretty big fears, especially after having to leave multiple shelters because they wouldn’t accept a trans guy. One shelter worker had literally told me they didn’t accept “the trans” because figuring out whether to place them with men or women was “too complicated.”

Two weeks ago, my life was running, hiding, and praying. And then motherfucking Arian Davies, or whatever his name was, had been running in wolf form exactly where I was walking as a human, had attacked me—and had destroyed my life. His Alpha had promised me safety. Pack meant family, he’d said, and pack looked out for each other.

Now here I was, at the Anax’s primary house, feeling exposed. Vulnerable. We weren’t a pack, and even though the Anax had assured me this was my home now, I couldn’t help fearing that I’d be out on the streets again any day now. Especially with the city right there. I’d never lived in Boston, but I knew big cities. I knew the secrets and hatred and harm that lurked beneath the glowing skyline.

At the hunt house, I’d felt safe. Hidden among hundreds of other werewolves, because no one paid much attention to me. I was just one of many. Even during the Anax’s wedding, enough other people had been around that I’d kind of blended in. There were trees there. Peace. For the first time in…well, ever, I’d been able to breathe.

I couldn’t breathe here. Especially not when planes sounded like they were going to come right through the goddamn walls. Or when I looked out the window and saw the city. Or when I pushed Xavier away the night we arrived because I didn’t dare to ask him to stay with me. He wasn’t my fucking teddy bear or my therapist. Hell, he wasn’t my anything.

Except the spike through my heart when he walked away said otherwise. He was mine, like my wolf had told me the first time I set eyes on him. I should have apologized to him the morning after I refused to let him in, but I couldn’t, because that would have meant too much.

Breakfast was mostly me sitting at one end of the table listening to the Anax and the guards. I sat beside Xavier, and something within me felt pulled toward him. I ignored it. He had work to do. He wasn’t here to watch over me. I was surprised the Anax and the other guards hadn’t complained about how much time he’d spent with me at the hunt house.

After we ate, the Anax and I made plans. Chloe wasn’t willing to have me help her in the kitchen, not because of anything about me but simply because she preferred working alone. Luz made it pretty damn clear when the Anax introduced us that she wanted nothing to do with me. Not that she said so, of course, since the Anax was standing right there. She just said she didn’t need help with the housework. But I recognized her expression. Disgust bordering on hatred. The Anax didn’t announce that I was trans, but I was well aware I didn’t pass as a guy.

At least I wouldn’t have to see much of Luz. She showed up on weekday mornings and an occasional weekend, cleaned, and went home. The house was big enough that I could make sure to be in a different part of it from her.

Since there was nothing else for me to do, the Anax assigned me to work with Kyle on developing the online structures for the support groups. Starting with Virtual Haven. The Anax and Kyle had concluded that that was the most-needed group out of the ones they’d planned. I agreed.

I didn’t know a whole hell of a lot about computer shit. I’d barely touched a computer since high school, because it wasn’t as if I’d had much opportunity. But in school, I’d taken some tech classes, and Kyle was surprisingly and seriously good at explaining what he wanted to do and how we might make it happen. Thanks to him, I quickly picked up on what was needed. It helped that he made me more responsible for handwriting notes and plans than for the actual tech stuff.

That was the way the next few days went. Me working with Kyle, missing Xavier, wishing I dared to apologize to him, wishing I wasn’t here. I saw Xavier at meals, of course, but I tried to keep some distance from him. Physically and emotionally. Neither of which worked particularly well.

When I was alone in my room, I remembered why I needed to give both of us some space. We weren’t playing lovers or whatever the fuck we’d been doing at the hunt house. He had his job, I had mine, and at night the memories and nightmares surfaced, shit I’d done and experienced since leaving my parents’ house the day after I turned eighteen. Awake, I could usually deal with those thoughts. My parents had told me to leave because I wasn’t the perfect daughter they wanted, and I’d done what I’d had to do to survive with no home and, most of the time, no job or money.

Xavier didn’t know about any of that shit, and I was a little afraid to tell him. I wasn’t ashamed of what I’d done…Except fuck yes, I was, at least when it came to being with someone like Xavier. Someone my high school friend Tina would have called a “pure cinnamon roll,” though I wasn’t sure that fully applied to a six-five linebacker type who could probably break people with his bare hands. Believing he deserved a better mate than me made staying away from him easier. No less painful, and the guilt was ridiculous, but it was easier.

Right up until Friday night, when he walked into the dining room. The Anax and Kyle were gone; they’d decided to take a honeymoon weekend road trip. Seth and Benjy, another of the guards, had gone with them because Seth had insisted that the Anax couldn’t travel without a guard. I imagined the guards’ presence would put one hell of a crimp in the honeymoon plans.