Page 41 of Virtually Guarded

“You should probably shower.” You should stay right here with me so I know we’re okay. That thought, I kept to myself. At least, I hoped Xavier didn’t hear it. “You didn’t yesterday.”

“True, and I definitely don’t want to smell offensive during the Anax’s wedding.” He rested his hand on my shoulder. “Hey. Are you all right? It’s cool if you’re mad at me. I kind of left both of us hanging here.”

“You’re hanging. I have an innie.”

He stared at me for a second, then burst out laughing. Relieved, so did I, and the tension between us ebbed.

“I wasn’t hanging during that kiss,” he said in a husky voice. “I should go wash up now.”

“Yeah.” Given the juxtaposition of his statements, I suspected washing wasn’t the only thing he would do in the shower, and that started my body reacting again. He would be nude, water streaming over his muscled body, stroking his cock…

“Stop.” His voice shook. “Oh, gods, Ren, your thoughts…Yeah, that’s probably exactly what I’ll be doing. And I wish you could be in there with me.”

“I could be.” If he fucked me, he would claim me, but we didn’t have to fuck. Intercourse in a shower wasn’t the most comfortable thing anyway. “You don’t have to get yourself off. I could do it for you.”

My voice didn’t even sound like my own, and part of me wondered what the hell I was thinking. He’d already said no. He was trying to get out of the bed. Away from me. And here I was pushing him, like he’d promised he wouldn’t do to me, because I needed him so badly. Craved him.

“Ignore that,” I said, and this time my voice was even more foreign. “Pretend I didn’t say it. I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have anything to be sorry for.” He reached out but didn’t touch me this time. “Ren, I would love to have you in the shower with me, double meaning completely intended. You getting me off? Fuck.” He inhaled sharply. “Oh, I would love that. I think it’s the worst idea either of us has had this week.”

“It wouldn’t be claiming.” I should have shut up, but he hadn’t said no, and the part of me that wanted him so much it was excruciating took that as license to keep talking. “If I just jerk you off? You wouldn’t claim me.”

“You wouldn’t get anything out of it.” He shivered. “Fuck. I should say no thank you. I want to say yes, Ren. You aren’t making this easy.”

“Tell me what you want me to do.” I sat up and let the blanket fall to my waist. I’d kept the binder on while I slept, even though I knew it wasn’t the wisest thing to do, because I was so happy to have it. Now I wanted to take it off and let Xavier see all of me, and that intense desire knocked sense into me. No one who’d fucked me had seen my binderless chest. I’d never allowed it.

If I showered with Xavier, obviously he would see. The binder wasn’t waterproof.

Letting him see me, all of me, felt even more frightening than letting him claim me. Sure, he’d already seen me without clothes, but being naked in front of him after turning from a wolf back into a human didn’t feel even close to the same thing as being naked with him while I stroked him. While he touched me. While maybe we both came.

“I want you to be comfortable.” Abruptly he got up and went to the chair where he’d set his clothes.

“That’s what I want too.” And I hated myself for being disturbed by the prospect of him seeing my boobs. It wasn’t like he didn’t know they existed. I’d never figured out why those damn things on my chest were the worst part of my body for me, but they were.

“Then you’d better stay here.” With something that wasn’t quite a smile, he faced me again. “Someday, you and I will shower together, and we’ll touch each other, and it will be incredible. And just for your information, do with it as you will, that’s what I’ll be thinking about while I’m in there now. Will it bother you if I think about you while I jerk off?”

The blunt question caught me off guard. All I could do was stare at him. Had he actually just said that?

He grinned. “Was that pushing it?”

“You’re an asshole.” I couldn’t help grinning back. “If you actually jerk off, you’d better think about me.” I paused. “I thought you had to have a strong connection with someone to have sex.”

“I have a pretty strong connection to myself,” he said.

I laughed. “Yeah, fair point. Then sure. If you want me to star in your fantasy while you jerk off, I’m on board with that.”

“Yeah? And what will you be doing while I’m doing that?” He rolled his eyes. “I’m shit at sex talk. This is not like me at all. But it’s fun.”

“I’m enjoying listening to you.” I lay back against the pillows with my hands clasped behind my head. “Maybe I’ll be jerking off thinking about what you’re doing in the shower. Are we actually having this conversation? Because it isn’t like me either.”

With a laugh, he went to the door. “Are you okay with it? The conversation, I mean. Honestly.”

I considered it. Talking about sex had never been as easy for me as doing it, but with Xavier, talking didn’t bother me at all. Like he’d said, it was fun. Playful, which wasn’t something I had a whole lot of experience with.

“Yes, I’m okay with it.” I got up and went over to him. “Another kiss? Just to give you something else to think about.” I hesitated. “You can pick me up if you want. I liked it when you did that in the guest house.”

Without a word, he dropped his clothes on the floor and yanked me up into his arms. God, he was strong! He could have broken me in half if he’d wanted to. Instead, holding me just tightly enough to let me know he wouldn’t allow me to fall, he kissed me.