Page 95 of Kill Me

And then the sounds of horns beeping, tyres squealing, and the feeling of the shattering of my bones overwhelm me. My body convulses in every direction, like a ragdoll hurtling through the air until I crash to the ground.

And then there’s silence. Darkness. And then there’s nothing.

I bolt upright, scaring the shit out of Ted and Bones; they both jump up beside me. I look over at the clock and see it’s time to get up. It’s supposed to be the fourth day of therapy, but something about last night has the flashbacks destroying my soul. Over and over, a never-ending nightmare, like I’m a new pawn in a game of chess that no one can win.

My breathing is erratic, and I scramble from the bed looking for the smallest, darkest space I can find to keep myself safe. There’s a small space between the bed and the wall, and I drop down there with my legs bent up in front of me, my head bent forward to make myself as small as possible.

“Magpie.” I hear his voice, but it sounds so far away. It’s distorted, like it’s not him.

“Magpie, I need you to breathe.” Like it’s that fucking easy.

“I’m- try–ing…” I gasp out.

I hear the door open as he runs from the room, and Lulu comes rushing in. I don’t even care that I’m fucking naked right now. “Give me a blanket, H,” she says. My breathing continues to get out of hand, and pain in my chest from lack of oxygen makes me gasp even more, but I feel the softness of the blanket cover me, and Lulu climbs into the space behind me. She straddles me and starts whispering in my ear.

“Come on, girly, you know what we need to do. In through your nose. One, two, three, four. Out through your mouth. One, two, three, four.” I follow her instructions, mindlessly. “That’s it, babe, come on, you’ve got this.” She rubs her hands up my arms, and I feel Bones sit in front of me. “Don’t touch her yet. Wait for her to touch you. Whatever has triggered her has had her running from your bed, so just for a moment, wait.”

“Quinn, babe, I need you to tell me five things you can see. Don’t worry about how long it takes, but every time you breathe in and out, I need you to list them. Do you hear me? Can you do that for me?” I nod in response.

Breathe in, two, three, four. Out, two, three, four. “Ted. Bones. The windows. The bed. The TV.”

“Good girl. Four things you can feel. You’ve got this, keep going.”

Breathe in, two, three, four. Out, two, three, four. “The blanket. Your hands. My skin. The floor.”

“Smashing it. Almost done. Keep breathing. Three things you can hear.”

Breathe in, two, three, four. Out, two, three, four. “The Law & Order Criminal Intent theme tune. Ted’s panting. Birds outside.”

“Keep breathing. Two things you can smell.” My breathing starts to level out.

Breathe in, two, three, four. Out, two, three, four. “Bones’ morning breath. His aftershave.”

I hear chuckling. “There she is. Come back to us, baby.”

“One more thing, Quinny, I need you to tell me one thing you can taste.”

“Morning breath. I need a toothbrush.” I open my eyes as my breathing steadies and fling my arms around Bones’ neck, needing the skin-to-skin contact I’ve come to love to ground myself.

“It’s okay,” he whispers into my ear, shushing me as my sobs begin to die down.

Lulu stays behind me, her hand on my back, letting me know she’s still present in case I need her. “I’m scared. I remembered what happened. What if they come for me again?”

“Slow down, Little Magpie. I need you to tell me what you remember.”

“I remember what happened the night of the accident. The night everyone says I tried to kill myself by walking in front of a car.”

He pulls away from me so he can look at my face. The loss of his warmth already feels devastating. “What happened, Quinny?” I hear Lulu’s voice from behind me, and for the first time in such a long time, I kinda like the sound of my name when it comes from her.

“I like it when you call me Quinny,” I mumble. “I hate it when anyone else calls me it, because they’re always being mean. But when you say it, it sounds nice. It sounds like love.”

“Well that’s because I love you, silly. You’ve buried yourself inside my soul and added colour to what was a black hole. It’s infuriating how easily you’ve done it, too.” I feel her pull my hair back from my face and tie it into a ponytail.

“I must have been a grave digger in a past life.” He strokes my face as I build up the courage to tell them what I remembered. “I didn’t try to kill myself. I told you I didn’t. It was them.”

“Them?” they both say in unison.

“Millie, Dane, Eric. Keelan was there, but he wasn’t hurting me; he was trying to save me. I think Eric figured out that he’d told me what had happened, and that’s why they did it.”