Page 44 of Kill Me

I shake my head from side to side with my hands over my ears. “Leave me alone. Leave me alone. Leave me alone.” I rock in the chair, trying to grip onto some semblance of reality and not fall back into the black hole that steals time from me. I grip my hair in my fists, pulling so hard I feel like the skin will slip from my scalp.

“I DON’T WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE!”

“Quinn. Breathe.” She grabs my arms.

“No! Go away! No one listens to me. No one believes me! You all think I’m a liar!” Sobs wrack my body.

“Ok, Quinn, I think it’s time for some PRN medication to help you relax and calm that anxiety down. Richard!”

I don’t hear the door open or close. I vaguely hear voices. I feel a hand grab my arm, and I fight them off, only to be pinned to the chair. And with a prick of my skin and the sting of medication being flushed into my veins, I feel my muscles relax, and the voices around me become clearer.

“Take her to the treatment room,” Dr Stephanie says.

“But she’s out of it. She can’t consent. You told her you needed her to sign paperwork.”

“You should know by now, Richard, that I do what I have to do for my research. I don’t need her consent. I had to tell her that to make her feel comfortable.”

“But this can’t possibly be good for her.”

“So now you want to show concern? But earlier you were perving over her naked body and acting in a way no man should act towards a woman? Now you have morals?”

“And you do? Acting like a feminist and like you care about women, yet here you are about to fry the brain of one in the name of your research? I’m just saying, it could open us up to a load of trouble if we don’t have that paperwork signed beforehand.”

“So, then sign it,” she tells him.

“Why me?” he asks.

“I have more to lose than you do. Let’s not forget the footage I have of you, Rich. I’m sure your wife would like to see it.”

My brain is foggy, and it feels like the voices are miles away. The next thing I know, I’m being lifted onto a trolley of some kind and wheeled out of the office.

I try to open my eyes, but it’s like they’re stuck. When they do open, it’s just a blur of lines, and then they close again. Metal clangs around me as I come to a stop, and I feel my wrists and ankles being clamped into place. I try to wriggle my arms, to move, but it’s like my brain can no longer signal to my body. Like I’m paralysed.

What the fuck did you give me?

Terror consumes me at the realisation that I’m stuck, deprived of my most important senses. I can’t see. I can’t touch. I can barely hear. I’m quite literally at the mercy of a woman I hardly know and a man who looks at me like I’m part of his survival kit. I try to fight back, to scream, to shout, to do anything—but with another prick of my skin, the darkness comes to steal me away.

Chapter Twenty-Eight

Quinn - Present Day

Going Under – Evanescence

Bright lights pierce my vision as my eyelids slowly open. The pain that smashes through my brain at the same time is utter agony. My breath catches as I try to focus, determination to take in my surroundings overtaking the fear currently racing through my body.

The room I’m currently in is pure, brilliant white. The kind where you can’t see where the walls begin and the ceiling ends. I try to lift my hand to my head to add pressure for the pain, but I’m unable to move it. I look down and see that I’m restrained to the bed I’m led on. Leather cuffs wrapped around my wrists and secured with a padlock, and the same around my legs. I can feel the stickiness of the mattress beneath me with no sheet as a barrier. Sweat drips down my temples, my eyelashes are wet, unshed tears pooling in my eyes.

I look down to see I’m still in my uniform. There are no windows for me to see the time of day it is, but it’s freezing in here; a fan twirls above me, but there are no radiators on the wall. As I twist my head around, nothing but the machines next to me keep me company. But the one thing I don’t feel for the first time in seven years? Pain in my body. Whatever she injected me with did the trick. I feel a relief I thought I would only ever be able to dream of.

“Hello?! Help! I’m stuck in here!”

There’s nothing. Silence. Next to the machines is a worktop. Wires fall from a device sitting on it, and it hits me.

Fuck. They’re going to give me the ECT. What happened to consent?

“Help! There’s been a mistake. I haven’t signed the paperwork for this. Let me go!” Again, nothing. Silence. Not even a tweet from a bird outside, like we’re deep within the building. I curl my fingers to try and mess with the restraints, but it becomes clear pretty quickly that it’s of no use.

My heart races. Panic overtakes me, and I feel like the room is running out of oxygen. I gasp erratically, trying to calm myself.