Page 16 of Kill Me

“And?”

“And I think you might be right.”

It pains me to admit that out loud. I don’t know why, because it’s glaringly obvious when you think about it. But it feels like I’m betraying them by admitting it.

I pick at my fries, scared to eat them, but suddenly ravenous. My eyes dart to the Mayo on the side like they’re begging to be doused in it.

“Quinn.” I look up. “Eat the fries. You’re allowed to enjoy your food. Your size doesn’t determine you as a person. You live one life, and from the looks of it, it’s been tragic so far, so for the love of God, please, enjoy the fucking fries.”

“Yes, sir.”

A pained moan comes from him, and he shuffles in his seat. It takes me a second to realise he’s adjusting himself.

“Magpie, do me a favour. Please don’t call me ‘sir’ in a public place.”

“So I can call you it in private?” I smirk at him, knowing full well I’m playing with fire.

“Jesus Christ, you’re gonna be the death of me.”

“Wow, how the roles have reversed.” I laugh.

“Quinny. Did you just make a joke?” I almost flinch at the sound of him calling me that, like it’s a knee-jerk reaction. But something inside of me stops it before it happens. I don’t know when it happened or how, but for the first time in my life, I feel safe. A feeling I thought was so far out of reach is quite literally staring me in the face.

“You know what, Harley, I think I just did.”

“Phase one, done.”

“Phase one?”

“Yes, phase one in Operation Convince Quinn To Live has been completed.”

“What’s phase two?”

“Give me your phone number and a safe word so that we can work towards phase three.”

“Which is?”

“Getting you healed, Little Magpie. Let's get you to your full potential and see how bright you can shine.”

“You really want to help this emotional, suicidal wreck?”

“They’re my favourite kind. Can I let you into a secret?”

“Well, considering you’re about to learn all of mine, I think it’s only fair.”

“I don’t think you want to die, Quinn. I think you’re suffering from something called suicidal ideation. Usually I would do a proper session and work through it with you, but in light of tonight’s events, I think it’s important that you know.”

“What’s the difference?”

“Being actively suicidal is someone whose thoughts go beyond and turn into actions. And while tonight, you were contemplating action, I believe your hesitation was because you don’t really want to die. SI, or suicidal ideation, is the experience of thinking about, considering, or planning suicide, without necessarily taking action. Still just as serious, sometimes it’s a warning sign, and it’s scary, but sometimes, knowing the difference between the two helps to separate the thoughts in your brain.”

“So I can get better? You can get rid of the voices and Herpes?”

“Herpes is a voice?”

“Yes. There are others, but since I’ve been sat here with you, they’ve been eerily silent.”

“SI is a lifetime thing, but with proper therapy, treatment, and coping mechanisms, it can be managed. It’s similar to a disease in the aspect that relapses are possible, but if that happens, it’s okay. We’re going to get through it. We will get you better together. As for Herpes, she probably got scared off by the big beefy man with muscles that’s now your self-appointed bodyguard.”