Page 190 of John + Siena: The Complete Duet

“Here, to there. Being inside here, and then going back into the outside. One of the first things you told me was that I had to choose stability. Not just for now, or for a while, or even for a few years. I had to choose stability for the rest of my life.”

Which meant meds, even when they made him feel like shit. It meant choosing to get up every single day and take medications regardless of how he felt about it until a better medication could be chosen. It also meant never excusing himself because of being bipolar, but accepting and being honest about it. It meant being honest to those in his life about what was happening inside his mind, and keeping himself accountable.

Stability was a choice.

Because he could just as easily choose to refuse meds, to self-medicate, or to live his life in a constant spiral of hypomania, full blown mania, and depression. A vicious cycle that would continue to hurt him, and those around him.

John chose stability.

He didn’t expect it to always be easy.

“Because in here is routine,” John said, glancing out the window. “Here, I know exactly what time the lights are going to come on, and when I can go outside. I know which channels will be on the television, and what the menu looks like for the next week. I know which meds are coming, and which ones need to change. I just … know everything.”

“Your life is also pretty structured outside of here, too,” Leonard reminded him. “You have made a great effort to set up personal routines that you like to follow, from what time you get up in the morning, to how you clean your house. You’re not leaving an environment like this and walking into pure chaos, John.”

John nodded because the man was right. “Sure.”

“But you have the factor of the unknown out there that we don’t provide in here.”

“Exactly.”

“I understand why that’s a little unsettling.”

“It might help if they told me more,” he said.

John didn’t say who, specifically, but the therapist understood what he meant. The only people who came to visit him—his choice, not others—were his father, and Andino. His uncle, Giovanni, had come once as well, and got the bottle of booze he brought along confiscated. It was, by far, one of the most amusing days since John entered the facility.

Still, when the men of his family came, they didn’t talk about business. They never told John what was happening outside of these walls, or what he could expect once he left the facility. It was a little unsettling because he wasn’t quite sure what that meant.

Were they hiding something from him?

What was it, if they were?

Leonard also knew some of the private details of John’s life that he didn’t share with outsiders. Or rather, the illegal side of John’s life being that he was a made man, and fully engrained in the way of Cosa Nostra.

It certainly helped for these talks.

John didn’t need to skip details, or dance around them in some way. He was able to be honest with his therapist, and because he too knew things about Leonard’s personal life, he did not feel as if it might get him in trouble simply to talk.

All good things.

“I think they intend for you to focus on yourself, and not … the business,” Leonard murmured.

“Funny.”

“What is?”

“I’ve been focusing on the business a lot lately.”

“Because you don’t know what’s happening?”

“Mostly.”

Leonard nodded once. “You’re going to do fine, John. Regardless if you leave here and it is sunshine, rainbows, and puppies, or if it is hellfire, chaos, and anarchy. The unknown can only really threaten your stability if you allow it to dig in a bit too much, if you get what I mean.”

“I do.”

“Good.” Leonard stood, and brushed invisible lint from his pant legs. “I also have another proposition for you before I give you some good news.”