Page 105 of Harbor

She didn’t think he understood at all.

But he was right, too.

She wasn’t ready.

Not to forgive.

And not for his apologies.

She might never be.

• • •

“So, you just went back to California?” Rose asked.

Lucia was sure Renzo’s sister didn’t mean for that question to sound accusatory, and yet, it still did. Or maybe that was just Lucia’s guilt making itself known again by hearing things that didn’t really exist. Her guilt, on the other hand, was very real. It never really left, even if it did sometimes give her a break occasionally.

It wasn’t like she could forget about it, though.

She was free.

Renzo was … not.

What did it matter if he was locked up in New York, in Iowa, or somewhere else they had decided to send him to serve out his sentence? The facts would remain the same at the end of the day. She was here, and he was not. She could watch his little brother jump from the bars of the jungle gym to the puffy snow on the ground, and he could not.

That was the reality.

Her guilt was a killer.

“It was that, or stay here and feel like I couldn’t breathe,” Lucia murmured.

Rose nodded on the bench, and tightened her coat a little more around her neck like she was trying to keep the wind out. “Yeah, I guess I can understand that. After it first happened, it kind of felt like everything was hopeless. You know what I mean?”

Lucia shrugged. “Probably for a different reason than you, but yeah.”

“I bet.”

Looking over at Rose, Lucia gave her a small smile. “You got Diego, though. I bet he was happy when you brought him home.”

Rose laughed. “I mean … terrified might be a better word. It was like he was convinced someone was going to come and—”

“Take him from you.”

“Exactly that, yeah.” Rose shrugged. “Sometimes, I think he still believes it, but he just doesn’t talk about it now. The counselor told me to try to make everything feel permanent for him. Let him decorate his bedroom. Fill it with things he wanted and liked. Let him claim spots in the apartment that feel like his, or whatever. It helped, and then other days, it just feels like those are more things for him to lose if someone comes and takes him away.”

Lucia frowned.

She couldn’t even hide it.

“I’m sorry—we really messed up, huh?”

Rose looked over at her. “I don’t see it like that, no. I know why Ren did what he did, and why you went with him. You have to understand, too, that nothing has ever felt very permanent or stable for us growing up. Diego was not really the exception just because he had Renzo to fall back on. He still moved around a lot. He never got to keep very many things that were supposed to be his. I’m trying to do different for him, now. That’s all.”

“What about school, and stuff? Does having him make it impossible to—”

“I finish this year anyway,” Rose interjected quickly. “At first, I thought I was going to have to quit, but the caseworker attached to our file helped me a lot with different programs. Daycares for low income, and stuff like that. Renzo had paid for my housing up until this month, but I ended up finding a cheaper place that we move into at the end of the month. I’m trying to work Diego into it slowly, so I actually have been paying the rent for two months now, and taking him over there every other day. Each time, he brings something else to his new bedroom.”

“But it’s still hard.”