Page 118 of Deathless & Divided

Damian caught her just a few steps later. His hand snagged her flimsy sleep shirt and pulled, making her slip on the wet grass. Lily stumbled at the surprise move, falling to the dew covered grass. Damian tried to catch her but ended up on the ground, too.

Angry, hurting, and more confused than ever, Lily rolled to her back and kicked at him. She struck out at him with her fists, shouting every hateful thing she could think to say and spit. All of the pain crushing her heart with a dreadful weight came out in a vomit of words and tears.

“I hate you,” she repeated, tasting the saltiness of tears on her lips. “You used the things about me that hurt me, the things you knew would get to me—my parents, the Outfit—you used all of it to get closer to me. All the shit you said to me was nothing more than bullshit. I should have known better than to think you gave a damn. Men like you don’t know how to care about anything but yourself. You are a bastard! You made me think you wanted me. You’re a monster. I hate you!”

Stop,” Damian said, keeping her pinned under his body on the ground. “Please just stop, Lily.”

Lily struggled in Damian’s hold as his hands cupped her jaw firmly and didn’t let go. She refused to listen to whatever he had to say, so she kept fighting him the more he held her down. Her fingernails scored into his cheek, drawing blood. Damian flinched in response, wincing. He never once tried to strike her back. Instead, he continued holding onto her face before he forced her head back, making her stare at him. Her eyes filled with tears all over again, streaking down her cheeks for him to see.

“Let me go!” Lily cried.

“Not until you listen to me,” Damian muttered.

With his body on top of hers, barricading her to the wet and cold grass, Lily couldn’t get away. Her flats had fallen off and her shorts and shirt were soaked from rolling around on the ground. She was pretty sure her hair was a goddamn mess, too. She wished she could care.

Lily felt Damian’s thumbs sweep over her cheekbones as if to wipe away the tears. He couldn’t possibly take them away because the flood kept on coming. Every breath she took was accompanied by a sob that ached deep inside her chest.

“Do you like this, huh?” Lily asked, taunting him. “Do you like my tears, Damian? They’re all for you this time!”

Damian’s teeth bared. “You know I don’t.”

“I don’t know anything about you.”

“You know everything that’s important,” he replied quietly. “Anything I’ve said and all the things you know, those are important to me.”

“Lies,” Lily mumbled.

“Facts.”

“Asshole.”

“Maybe,” Damian agreed. “Maybe I am. I told you once that my motives were wrapped up entirely in you and that was the truth. The things that mattered to you, the people who might hurt you or the shit holding you back—I wanted to fix that for you. I never lied to you.”

“Yes, you did.”

“I did not! There were things you didn’t need to know. I don’t control Dino, Lily. So I did the next best thing which was keeping you safe while he did whatever the hell he wanted.”

“You helped,” she spat.

“Sometimes,” Damian admitted. “Because I had shit to keep safe, too. I had reasons for wanting this, too.”

Lily stilled under his weight. “Like what?”

“Me. I wanted to keep me.”

That didn’t make sense.

“Let me go,” Lily repeated. “I want to go inside. Anywhere away from you.”

Soon, preferably.

Damian refused. “Not until you hear me, Lily. You’re goddamn well going to hear me whether you want to or not. Things were happening around me that I wasn’t getting a say in. Despite what you may think, I didn’t do any of this to get myself higher in the Outfit. I did it so someone else could and I was able to stay being just Damian Rossi. Not someone else, just me.”

Lily glared. “I—”

“Dino wanted you to be safe long after he didn’t have the control to keep you that way. He knew that with certain people gone, a mess might happen. One that would put families in the spotlight and fighting against one another. He didn’t want you to be somehow used as a bartering chip between anyone. Not today, tomorrow, or five years from now.”

“I don’t care.”