Page 76 of Holding Ground

I think back to how upset Baylor was about not having a mother, and wonder if maybe I should have made finding someone special a part of my life. If I had, maybe I’d be in a serious relationship—or who the hell knows, married by now—and Baylor would have a mother figure, and what happened this week wouldn’t have happened.

I set my beer on the table. “Sometimes I look back and wonder how I got here. At first, I had no choice but to be there night and day for Baylor—she was an infant. Now, I can see that if I’d wanted to, I could have done things a little differently, but I was too set in my ways, I suppose. That, or maybe I just let fear run my life because I was too afraid of being hurt again.” Of having someone leave me again.

Saying the words feels cathartic somehow. Or maybe it’s just saying them to Emelia, because I sure as hell can’t picture myself saying them to anyone else.

“I think sometimes we tell ourselves a story about how we are, who we are, and then after a while, we believe it. We don’t even question it anymore. It just becomes the lens through which we see ourselves. I know that for a long time, I told myself I was okay with knowing nothing about my birth mother, and whenever the feeling that wasn’t quite true rose up, I just shoved it down. If I felt like I didn’t quite fit somewhere, I’d leave—my hometown, my job, the state I was living in. I can see now that I bounced around a lot in an effort to avoid that feeling, but that’s the thing about feelings…they just follow you until you deal with them.”

I want so badly to ask her if she feels like she fits here, but I don’t. We decided to keep this casual.

The only way I’m going to come out of this in one piece is if I continue to hold back. She’s leaving in less than two months, and nothing is going to change that. I just need to enjoy our time together while we have it, then move on.

“Are you nervous about talking to your cousin tomorrow?”

After Emelia texted Liz back, they had a brief text exchange but decided it would be better to have a Zoom call.

She bites her bottom lip. “It feels weird to even think of her that way. I know technically she’s my cousin, but…”

“Of course it feels weird. You have no relationship with her. Are you hoping to establish one with her, or are you just looking to collect information?”

Leaning forward, she rests her chin on her fist. “Honestly, I don’t know. I think I’m just going to see what happens. Maybe she won’t even be the kind of person I’d want to talk to again. I have no idea what to expect.”

“That’s probably a good attitude to have.” I bring my beer to my lips.

“Maybe. We’ll see. My mom texted me earlier to wish me luck tomorrow. I’ve been keeping them in the loop on what’s going on.”

“That had to feel good.”

She leans back in her chair and nods. “Yeah, it’s still a little weird, but it’s way less stressful, not feeling like I’m hiding something from them.”

I nod. “I know how much that was stressing you out.”

Emelia takes my hand. “Thank you for picking me up when I was falling apart over it and for encouraging me to talk to my parents.”

I give her hand a gentle squeeze. “Of course.”

We hold each other’s gaze until Tammy arrives with our food.

The rest of dinner is spent with Emelia laughing as I tell her stories from my youth and life with my three siblings. By the end of our meal, I realize how much I missed this—having someone to share things with, adult conversation, time away from parenting to recharge.

And if it weren’t for Emelia coming into my life, I might never have known it.

CHAPTER

THIRTY

Emelia

Elliott holds the passenger door open for me and helps me into his truck after dinner.

I’ve had such a great time tonight, and if I were staying in Echo Lake, I could see how this might be something we did every so often. But I’m not, so I push that thought out of my head.

I watch Elliott walk around the front of the truck and still can’t get over how hot he is, especially now that I know what he’s packing and what he can do with it. Lately, I feel lighter than I have in a very long time, and tonight, I’m feeling a little naughty. And a little like I want to surprise him.

So I come up with a plan and wait until it’s time to execute.

Once we’re off Main Street and on the rural road that leads around the lake to Elliott’s place, I shift in my seat to face him. “Pull over.”

He glances at me, eyebrows drawn down. “What?”