Page 42 of Holding Ground

“Where is her mother? I’m not trying to be nosy or anything. I just got to thinking…now that I see Baylor more often because I’m living in the house, what happens if she mentions her in front of me? I don’t know the situation—other than it seems like she doesn’t play an active role in her life—and I don’t want to say something wrong.”

I scoff. “She doesn’t play any role in her life.” It’s impossible to keep the bitterness out of my voice.

“Can I ask what happened?” Emelia sips her wine, looking out at the lake.

I rub my palm on my jaw. “She left six months after Baylor was born.”

“Were you…in a relationship with her? Or was it…”

I arch an eyebrow. “A one-night stand?”

She nods.

“No, we were together. She’d moved here from Philly. Claimed she wanted to escape the grind of the city and wanted a fresh start and a slower pace. We were together for about a year when she got pregnant.”

“It wasn’t planned?” Emelia’s eyes catch the light in the moonlight, but I don’t get lost in them. Probably, she assumes I was an asshole to Kate like I’ve been to her.

“No.” I shake my head. “We were both shocked when she ended up pregnant because we’d been careful.” I run my hands through my hair. “I blame myself for her leaving.”

Emelia’s head tilts back as if I’ve surprised her. “How would you be to blame?”

“Once I knew we were going to have a baby, and even after Baylor was born, I became a little obsessed with the idea of providing for my family. I’d just bought the camp, and I was working hard to make it what it is, taking odd jobs to help pad our budget. Sometimes I think I was so busy working to build a future for us that I didn’t take the time to notice that Kate wasn’t happy. If I had, if I’d done something different, maybe I could have prevented her from wanting to leave.”

Emelia’s lips twist, but she doesn’t say anything. I can tell she wants to, though.

“What?”

“Nothing.” She takes a large sip of her wine.

I lift my chin at her. “Say what you’re thinking.”

“I just think if a mother decides to leave her child behind, there’s something much bigger going on beyond her not being happy in the relationship. She could have just decided not to be with you anymore, but instead she abandoned her child.”

“Sometimes I worry that’s my fault too.”

“How so?” Concern shows in her eyes.

“When Kate found out she was pregnant, she didn’t want to have the baby at first. But I insisted she take some time to think about it before she terminated the pregnancy. Painted this picture of the life we could have together as a family. I don’t regret it—I never could. I wouldn’t give Baylor up for the world. But sometimes I wonder if I’m the reason she went through with it, because she knew that for me, it wasn’t the end of the world. It was just the start of a whole new world. And if she just did it to make me happy.”

“Elliott, maybe that factored into her decision, but I’m sure if she had the baby, it’s because she wanted to, at least on some level. It doesn’t sound like you coerced her, threatened her, or pressured her, right?” I shake my head, and she says, “Then you need to stop blaming yourself.”

“Looking back, I think she liked the idea of it more than anything. The reality left a lot to be desired for her.”

“Maybe so, but she wouldn’t be the first mother to find that parenting wasn’t what she expected. That doesn’t mean you abandon your child. That was her decision. And if she hasn’t returned or reached out in the years since, I’d say she must think she made the right one.”

“Maybe.” My chest tightens, the familiar ache settling there whenever the subject of Kate comes up. Not because I’m still in love with her. That feeling died a bloody death the moment she abandoned our daughter. But for Baylor, having to live with the fact that her mother chose not to be a part of her life. She may not fully comprehend it now, but someday she will.

“Did she at least tell you she was leaving, or did she leave you a Dear John letter?”

“She told me. Sat me down one day and said she couldn’t do it anymore. She wasn’t made to be a mother, and she wasn’t built to live in a small town. Said she missed the city and the pace of her life there. I was so angry with her. I’ve never felt that type of deep anger before in my life, which is saying something, but when she told me she was leaving us, I just…couldn’t believe how selfish she was being. I kept it in, though. I tried to fix it for my daughter. I told Kate we could go to counseling together if it was about our relationship, told her I’d take over more of the duties with Baylor to give her some more downtime. Hell, I even offered to move with her to Philly so we could be a family. She wasn’t interested in any of it.”

I was practically begging Kate not to go by the time she walked out the door, something that still stings my pride today. All she did was look back at me and tell me she was leaving anyway.

Everyone always leaves. You’d think I’d have figured that out by then.

“Maybe it’s better not to have your mom in your life if all she would do is resent you anyway. Baylor is lucky to have you, even if you’re the only parent she has. Anyone can see that.”

I bring my beer to my lips and say around it, “I try, I do. But I can’t be everything to her. That’s becoming more apparent the older she gets.”