Page 40 of The Way Love Heals

Nyle whipped his head around until his eyes landed on my car. He nodded and trekked over to me. I unlocked my car as he got closer and eased into the passenger seat. When he closed the door, I was ready to go in on him, but his eyes were misty as he stared off into space. It was then I knew he wasn’t good, mentally or emotionally. I didn’t speak. I sat there, waiting for him to say something to let me know if he was good or not.

Finally, after what felt like an eternity, Nyle stared at me. “I’m sorry for avoiding you. I know you’re big on reassurance, and I failed you at that today.”

“I accept your apology, but I’m not going to lie and act like it didn’t hurt my feelings, because it did.” I reached over and started massaging his scalp to ease whatever emotions he was feeling. “I’m not holding it against you because I know that it’s not like you, so tell me. What’s going on with you?”

“Remember the night we first met?”

“How could I forget?”

That brought a small smile to his face.

“Well, I was there because Naheem demanded I go with him. He wanted to clear my mind.”

“From what?”

“Sometimes, I have dreams about what happened to me as a child. Usually, I’m good about pushing through and not letting it bother me, but there’s something about this particular dream that I had last night that I can’t shake.”

“What is it?”

Nyle leaned his head back, closed his eyes, and tears streamed down his cheeks. My heart ached for him. I wanted to take the pain away, but I knew I couldn’t. All I could do was continue showing up for him, even when he couldn’t show up for himself or others. He needed me.

“I’ve never told anyone this. Not even my therapist.” He started with his eyes still closed. “In the back of my mind, I’ve always wondered if Renee . . . if she was sexually abusing me too.”

My hands flew to my mouth as I sharply gasped. That was the last thing I expected him to say, and seeing how it was affecting him rocked my core. I didn’t say anything else. I gave him time to process his words and thoughts while scrambling through my own.

“The dream . . . It was too vivid, much like the ones I’ve had from what I know I’ve experienced. Dr. Morgan told me before that it’s possible for me to have dissociative amnesia where I suppress some of my trauma. Every so often, the thought of her doing it to me, too, has crossed my mind, but I was able to shake it off. For some reason, I’m unable to shake this off, Brittish. It’s been replaying in my mind like a scratched record. Concentrating has been a task for me today. All my boys and staff have been pressing me, asking what’s wrong, but I shrugged it off for them. I tried to stay focused. Giving them my all has always been the perfect remedy for me, but not today.

“I truly apologize for not reaching out to you, Brittish. I never want you to feel as if I don’t care about you or don’t want to talk to you, but today . . .” He released a low whistle and finally peered at me with those misty bloodshot eyes. “Today was the worst mental day I’ve had in a very long time.”

The saliva in my mouth was salty. I gritted my teeth, trying to calm down. Anytime Nyle talked about his past, it hit too close to home for me. While he was on my mind, so was my own child. I’d go to hell about mine.

I opened my door, got out the car, and walked around to Nyle’s side. He slightly frowned as I opened his door, but when I held my arms out, he eased out and melted into my arms. I rubbed up and down his back as he rested his head on the top of my head. I’d been trying to hold back my tears, but feeling him so close, feeling how hard his heart beat in his chest, feeling how warm his body was, feeling his sad energy swirling around us made my cheeks wet with pain.

If I could fix it all for him, I would. I’d take every ounce of pain away.

Nyle tightened his embrace and whispered, “You were all I needed, Brittish. Thank you.”

“I want to be here for you, Nyle. I do. I understand it’s hard when your mental takes you places you don’t want to be, but try to redirect yourself to me. Even if it’s just to say I’m not good or I need space, let me know. You had me worried today. I thought we were breaking up or something.”

My body slightly jerked from how quickly Nyle lifted his head to look at me. “That’s the last thing I want to do. I don’t want you to think like that.”

“Then don’t leave me enough space to do so. Like I said, you don’t need to go into detail about it if you’re not there. Just let me know.”

“I got you, Pretty Lady.” He thumbed away my tears. “Do you forgive me?”

“I do, but I am worried about you.”

“Honestly, I’m worried about myself. The way I’m piecing things together . . . I need to call Dr. Morgan.”

“Please, call her. You need her.”

“I need you too.” Nyle massaged his beard. “Are you done for the day?”

“Yes.”

“Bet. I’m going to see if Weston will be good running practice by himself today. Mentally and emotionally, I just can’t do it today. Will you follow me to my house?”

“Of course.”