Page 77 of Gin and Bear It

The moment I mentioned the word “feelings,” he tensed. Subtly, but still—he was definitely not thrilled to talk about that. And I get why in his case. The last time he let himself feel something for someone, it crashed and burned so hard that his life changed forever. When we finally discussed the incident with his ex, I could tell it was something he never, ever talked about.

But just because we smother the feelings with sex doesn’t mean that they’ll disappear. They’re just buried.

Just the thought of sex, though? Yes, please. More. We still haven’t had full-on sex yet, even though we could. Everything else is just so damn good that it never feels like we’re missing anything. But we’re holding back. It feels like a big step that’ll change things even more, so I’ve been a little hesitant to suggest it. He’s letting me take the lead.

I head over to the Waylon/Bianca/Wes/Rose Megaplex, as I call it. I’m a little jealous that Rose and Bianca basically live in the same house, but with their own spaces. We rotate our girls’ night space, sometimes going to my apartment, then other times to Rose’s or to Bianca’s. Tonight we’re at Rose’s side of the house.

“You’re here!” Rose says, shoving a cocktail glass in my hand. “Here you go.”

“You’re the best.” I hand her my contribution—food from China #2.

“No, you’re the best. I’m starving.” Rose heads farther into her house. Her and Wes’s cat, Dennis, slinks out of nowhere, eyes locked on the food. “No, Dennis.”

He meows and still follows. Bianca is on Rose’s couch with Murphy and Sadie, curled up in a cute golden-yellow loungewear set with a cocktail in hand. She brightens when she sees me. I’m used to seeing her, but I’m still always so surprised at how gorgeous one person can be.

“Hey!” I give her a hug, then pet the dogs. Murphy stands, tail wagging, and nearly squishes Sadie. Sadie, as always, is half asleep and fine with it. “Y’all got a start without me?”

“Barely.” Rose puts our food down on the coffee table and scoops up Dennis. “It’s been a long week.”

Rose starts venting about work as she gives Dennis his “leave the human food alone” tube treat. She loves her job but there’s a lot of pressure on her team at Stryker Liquors to create a new cocktail flavor to can and sell. Plus, they’re getting into mocktails, too.

“Okay, enough about my boring shit,” Rose says as she flops back onto the couch. “Bianca, didn’t you have dress photos?”

“Yes!” Bianca whips out her phone. “It’s basically done, but I can’t decide on the veil. The wedding is in four months, so we have a little time, but I still need to make a choice.

“Only four months?” It feels like she and Waylon just got engaged a week ago, but it’s been over a year.

Her parents are legendary in the music business and have the kind of money to help pay for a custom-designed dress and destination wedding in the Caribbean for their only daughter. They’re more than happy to spoil her and Waylon because they’re very low-key otherwise.

“I know. Our wedding planner is amazing, but it’s still so much to take in.” She taps around on her screen. “Here are the two options. I’m not sure if the first one will be a pain in the ass because of the breeze on the beach.”

Rose and I pore over the photos as we start eating. Bianca looks so stunning in each option that it’s impossible to choose.

“I think the first one with the lace around your face is the most bridal,” I say after some debate. “Go with that one. Lean into it because when else can you?”

“True.” Bianca cocks her head to the side as she looks at the picture, then puts the phone away. “I think I will.”

“Good call.”

“Not going to lie, I’m still surprised you guys just went and got married at the courthouse,” Rose says. “I know you said the timing was partially because of your inheritance stuff, but you’re into weddings.”

I busy myself with my chopsticks and let out a noncommittal noise. Part of me still aches for the full bridal experience, but it’s too late now. In retrospect, our wedding day wasn’t all that bad, but it wasn’t the wedding I always dreamed of as a little girl.

“Not going to lie…I kind of thought it might be fake the way Waylon and I were at the beginning of our relationship,” Bianca says, cupping her cocktail glass with both hands and pulling her knees up to her chin. “But only because it was sudden. Not because I don’t believe in your feelings. I just always thought you’d have a full-blown wedding, too.”

My chest still gets tight, though. Before, I was worried that people could tell we didn’t have feelings for each other. Now I’m worried about us both having those feelings and not doing anything about them. It’s like the universe wants to keep reminding me every other second.

“Yeah, it was fast, but hey, it’s worked out so far.” I grab a dumpling with my chopsticks and pop it into my mouth so I shut up.

But now my brain is starting to chug down the emotional rollercoaster tracks and I want to talk about it. How do I even do that without revealing the truth? Should I reveal the truth? I trust them more than anything, and I know they wouldn’t tell a soul if I asked.

But I don’t want them to have to lie to their partners about it. If Wes or Waylon offhandedly mentioned something, it could be the end of it all.

I promised Ash that we’d keep this under wraps. I have to keep my word to him.

But I also need my best friends’ help navigating this.

“It’s just that…” I mirror Bianca’s posture, pulling my knees up to my chest. “I don’t know. We were together before but marriage sort of changed things. Like we went from serious to more serious recently with some of the stuff he’s going through.”