Page 50 of Elf-ish

There’s a list for good boys and girls. A list for the bad ones. And the list of ways to make a change.

I huff again and press my elbow to the edge of my driver’s side door, resting my temple against my raised, fisted knuckles because I suddenly have a headache. Coffee is the only solution for this discussion.

Eventually, Angelica dozes with her head against the opposite window, and I’m grateful for the silence.

Don’t you leave me, Jude. The voice whispers through my head again.

I sneak a glance at Angelica, wondering if she’s playing with me by whispering in her sleep.

Ruling out the absurdity, I think about that voice and remember again the promise I’d made to turn over a new leaf. Flip the page on the old me and start a new chapter. A better one.

“Fuck,” I quietly exhale. Maybe she’s right. Maybe I do need help.

As we pull up in front of her apartment building, Angelica slowly rouses, glancing out her window before sitting up straighter. She stretches her arms forward and curls her back before looking at me. Those blue eyes remind me of my mother’s favorite porcelain coffee set, matching the roundness of the saucers and the brightness of the cups.

God, I feel obsessed with the morning liquid gold right now, and if I only had a cup, I might be able to think straight.

Instead, I struggle for words. “Angelica, I—”

She startles me by quickly shifting in her seat and reaching for my jaw. Her thumb strokes along the bristly layer of hair that has grown thicker overnight. Her palm is warm from being tucked into her coat pocket. Her touch is soothing.

“Jude.” She smiles hesitantly. “I’m not a very good liar, and while we might have pulled off a fake relationship with your board, I don’t want to lie to my family. I’ve made a mistake wishing for a date to my brother’s wedding.”

“What?” I blink, not sure I fully comprehend. This sounds an awful lot like she’s breaking up with me, when we aren’t even officially together.

“I won’t need you as a date for my brother’s wedding after all. In fact, I’ve decided I don’t need a date period.” She removes her hand from my jaw, and I want to beg her to put it back.

Just give me a minute to think.

“But we had a deal.”

She wrinkles her nose. “And deals can be broken, especially fake ones.”

“But, I can be there for you.” I said that I would, and I plan to follow through.

“But . . . I don’t need you to be.” She sets a quick kiss on my cheek before popping open her door. A cold blast of crisp winter morning air fills the car as she hops out, and I follow from my side, reaching the trunk as it springs open.

Where is this rejection coming from? Is this because I didn’t have sex with her? That can’t be the reason. So, what just happened here?

Instead of asking these pertinent questions, I reach for her bag at the same time she does.

“Allow me.” It’s the least I can do after she just broke things off. I don’t know why I’m upset. We aren’t breaking up. We weren’t anything to one another. She’s been a means to an end.

My chest clenches, knowing that isn’t true.

What did she say about lying? The other night, she said pretending was like covering the truth.

The truth is, I don’t want there to be an end between us. Not yet.

“I got it.” She smiles weakly, meeting my eyes only briefly while taking the bag from me and pulling up the handle on the rolling case.

I step to the back passenger door, where her dress is hanging inside.

Angelica shakes her head. “Maybe you could donate it to a good cause. I won’t be wearing it again.” She sounds sad, almost disappointed, like never wearing the dress again is disheartening.

Or is that disappointment about me?

“Take care of yourself, Jude. You and that precious heart of yours.” She smiles again, but her eyes are cloudy. “Live a good life.”