Page 51 of Sterling Heat

I don’t like the thought, but I have to accept it. Enya and Adara deserve better than me.

“Cake,” she whispers as softly as I called her sugar. For a second, I think she’s calling me cake and then I chuckle when I realize she means the lemon Bundt, sitting on a plate, waiting to be eaten in celebration.

Adara is home.

Enya lives in her new house.

There is much to be commemorated.

I only wish I could explain why I don’t feel very festive on either count.

Chapter 16

[Enya]

Sebastian appeared almost skittish when he entered my home. Like he was impressed but he also couldn’t wait to leave. I didn’t know how to read him. I’d taken a big gamble asking him if he’d like to be present when I brought Adara home with me. After all he’d done for me, my heart told me his presence was important. Like he should be here with me, with us.

However, for a week, I’d been sending text updates about Adara, and it felt like he was avoiding me. His responses were minimal. Maybe he didn’t want progress reports on Adara, but if that were true then I didn’t know why he still showed up to see her at the hospital. The nurses kept me informed that Adara’s dad visited in the evenings, after I’d left. If any of them thought it strange that we no longer visited at the same time, no one mentioned it.

When Adara yanked the feeding tube from herself, signaling she was ready to feed on her own, I got the good news that she could come home. The sudden adrenaline coursing through my body was a mix of conflicting emotions. Elation. Anxiety. But ready.

I’d texted Sebastian on a whim. Along with hormone mayhem from the early delivery, issues with nursing, and a lack of sleep, I was all twisted up about him. If he rejected the invitation to bring Adara home with me, I told myself I wouldn’t hold it against him. He had things to do. A bakery to run. A life to live outside of me and my baby. But I was also hopeful he might want to share in this moment.

My baby was finally home.

Once again, I was grateful for Sebastian. His quiet patience. His wish to celebrate. We shared the miniature cake like we did the day I told him I was pregnant—one bite at a time. I watched his mouth suck at the fork, smearing icing along the tines, and then taking another turn at the utensil to swipe it clean. Observing him eat shouldn’t be a turn-on, but it was a hint that my libido wasn’t completely non-existent. I still had weeks before I could consider doing anything sexual, but it didn’t mean the fantasies of him kissing or holding me had lessened. There was relief in knowing I could be attracted to a man.

However, I was solidly in the friend-zone with Sebastian. He was a good friend, too, although he didn’t stick around long after we finished his dreamy lemon cake.

Why would he? He had a life. Not that I didn’t think I had a life as well. Mine was only vastly different than his. I was a single mother with a newborn baby as my sole priority. He was a single man who could do as he pleased. I hated the thought, and not because he had freedoms I didn’t.

Because I didn’t want him to be with another woman.

Selfishly, I wanted him all to myself. For Adara and me.

“Congratulations on bringing Adara home,” Sebastian had finally said to me, leaning in to innocently kiss my cheek before pressing a kiss to Adara’s head. Then, he couldn’t seem to run fast enough down my porch steps and across the drive to his truck.

Watching him leave, I took a deep breath. He didn’t sign up for this parenting gig. I did. I wanted this little bundle in my arms.

“Just you and me, Cookie,” I murmured to her sweet head.

That’s my reality.

+ + +

Within days of Adara’s homecoming, my younger sister arrives, and I’m so grateful for another adult presence. Cadence is three years younger than me, with dyed-blonde waves and blue eyes. We hardly look like siblings. Where I’m all business casual, she’s artistic chic. I followed the plan my parents wanted for me. Cadence lives my dream. However, my path was also a conscious choice on my part. I wasn’t ever a risk taker. Not until now. Not until Adara.

After hours of pacing and trying to interpret what a crying baby needs, Adara finally sleeps, and Cadence and I collapse on my couch.

“Here.” She hands me her glass of wine.

“Maybe one sip,” I whimper, exhaustion heavy in my limbs while I’m too keyed up to sleep. I take the glass from her and sip the sweet rosé. God, I’ve missed wine, but for Adara’s sake I’ll continue to abstain for a while. Adara and I have compromised on this complicated feeding routine, where half the time she nurses and the other half she takes a bottle of expressed breast milk, causing me double duty. The NICU nurses told me this is normal for preemie babies.

My sister and I broke into the wine Sebastian gave me. Selfishly, I wanted to keep it sealed a little longer, hoping one day I’d drink it with him. We’d celebrate something else momentous for Adara. However, that was a fantasy, and Cadence convinced me to open the bottle now.

I hand the glass back to her and we quietly sit in silence, marveling at the pureness of no sound. Sinking deeper into the couch, I close my eyes but know that sleep will elude me for a while longer.

“Do you think I made a mistake?” I whisper.