Page 71 of Letting Go at 40

Mason doesn’t answer me but curls Lynlee’s hands over the rock. “That’s a precious find, baby girl. You keep this one. Keep it some place safe.”

I slip my hand into my shorts, finding the heart-shaped rock I carry with me everywhere.

The one reminding me of Ben.

Because Ben gave them to me, right?

“You,” I whisper again, staring at Mason. He refuses to meet my eyes.

“Think it’s time to go, baby girl,” Mason says, reaching under the arms of his little one and hiking her up to his hip. She wraps her arms around his neck and Mason finally looks at me.

“Thanks. For lunch. For today.” He continues to stare while my thoughts flap around in my head.

The rocks were from him? For how long? From the beginning? Even after the end of Ben?

Why? How?

“Mason.” My throat is rough but quiet on his name.

“I’ll call you.” He leans forward and kisses my cheek, like he didn’t just rock my world.

Every pun intended.

Chapter 25

10 Months Ago

November

Friend-ly Phone Call

[Mason]

I didn’t respond to Anna’s inquisitive eyes after Lynlee found her treasure on the beach in mid-October. Instead, I went back to my staggering silence as I grappled with the adjustment of more Lynlee time in my life. I was enjoying every minute of my girl spending weekends and having overnights but my fears about Samantha were skyrocketing. She’d become more volatile. Her threats harsher. Lynlee was reserved every time she had to leave me, and quiet every time she returned to me. She wouldn’t open up and I feared how Samantha was keeping Lynlee quiet.

In all this turmoil, I wanted to talk to Anna. Really talk. Ask her what to do. Ask her for advice. I was still so out of my element as a parent, but I couldn’t bring Anna into this mess I’d made.

When she mentioned dating, I almost came out of my skin. Then I suggested we should date, and she shot me down. I shouldn’t have been surprised. Our conversation led right to the reasons she couldn’t be with me.

Ben. He’d always be there. A ghost between us.

I laugh to myself as I realize Ben told me I needed to let go and yet Anna was the one holding firm. To him.

Then, Lynlee exposed me and the heart-shaped rocks. I didn’t want to talk about it then. How the rocks represented her to me. Strength. Perseverance. Love. They’d never been from Ben but a message from me that I believed in her. She would make it through the storm of Ben’s passing. Her strength might appear in a new shape, but she’d be resilient and love again.

Only, I wanted that love aimed at me.

It wasn’t going to happen but some nights I can’t stop myself from taunting her.

“Do you ever think about it?” I ask her on the phone. My living room is dim. The light streaming through the blinds is minimal. The nights are so dark in winter.

Lynlee isn’t here tonight, and the space feels especially quiet and vacant.

“Think about what?” Anna asks.

“That night.”

“Which one?” Her cautious tone suggests she knows exactly which night I’m referring to.