Page 69 of Letting Go at 40

“I’m moving forward in looking for a permanent place. Something more than the condo in town.” Mason uses Autumn’s old condo for his quick turnaround visits to Lakeside or the immediate area for Four Points projects. “But I can’t move yet. It’s an ongoing battle. Another reason I’m staying in Traverse City. I need to show involvement and accessibility. I even take Lynlee to and from kindergarten.”

“I’m so sorry that it’s taking so long, but I’m so happy you’ll be moving here.”

“Yeah?” He turns his head to me. Another boyish grin curls his lips.

I smile in return.

“So, what’s been new for you? Nightlife? Dates?” He teases while his jaw ticks.

A strange disappointment washes over me at the jest. “You know that’s not me.”

Mason stops when something catches his eye and he bends to pick it up, smoothing a thumb over it before slipping it into his pocket. Then he reaches down for a beach stone and turns his body, flicking his wrist to toss the rock at the lake’s surface.

Hop. Hop. Plop.

“I don’t know that I’ll ever be ready to date,” I admit, letting the disappointment sink like a rock in my belly. The randomness of meeting someone new. The history that sits behind someone else. Mason is as good a person as any to discuss dating with, but the topic doesn’t feel right with him. Maybe because if I’m going to date anyone, I’d like it to be him.

He retrieves another rock from near his toes and flips his wrist, flinging the rock toward the water.

Skip. Skip. Drop.

“What are you so afraid of?” he asks, squinting at the horizon.

I turn my head to look at his profile. The strong forehead. The bright eyes. The cliff of his jaw.

How I feel about you. The admission rests on the tip of my tongue but I don’t open up. I can’t tell him the truth. I don’t think I can date because my heart is already leaning toward him.

“I don’t know,” I lie, as I turn to face the water.

“Maybe we should date,” Mason teases. “A practice run for you.” The suggestion is said through clenched teeth.

“I’m kind of complicated.” A girlish giggle fills my throat and the heat that flushes over my skin has nothing to do with the warmth of the day. The moment would feel like we are flirting if it wasn’t for the tension in his face and the bitterness in my mouth giving truth to the concept that he’s only teasing me.

Mason has already done plenty to bring me out of my new shell. Phone sex. Birthday kisses. The night Archer disappeared.

We’re walking along a dangerous ridge. One where I’m certain to topple over, while Mason isn’t like that. He isn’t going to fall in love with me.

“I don’t think I’m the woman for you.” Old defenses return. Mason was the kind of boy a girl like me couldn’t handle. He had heartbreak written all over him in his twenties. I stare at his profile once more. Is heartbreak still etched in his skin at forty-something?

“Why not? What’s wrong with me?” He turns to face me, propping his hands on his hips. “Why am I not good enough?”

“It’s not you, it’s me.” I just said I wasn’t the right person for him. I’m a widowed, single mother of three, with only a loose sense of my next steps in life.

“It’s Ben,” Mason states, turning his head and glancing out at the water again. His voice drops, frustration filling it. “Ben will always be between us. Holding you back.”

“That’s not true,” I whisper. But was it? Was Ben the reason I couldn’t move forward? Or was it me? Was I afraid to take a chance on something new and different? Someone like Mason? Or is it the fear of him breaking my heart?

I stare up at his hard-edged face. His expression is pinched . . . pained even. I’ve hurt him.

Skip. Skip. Drop. We symbolize those rocks hopping over the water’s surface. Two steps forward. One plop into an abyss of guilt, shame, and secrecy.

My desire for him holds all three things in its arms.

“I don’t need you to be Ben.” My tone is edgier than it should be.

Mason turns his head, eyes narrowing on me. “What do you need from me then?”

My head drops. The intensity of his eyes is too much. “I don’t know,” I whisper again, watching as I dig my toe into the sand before glancing back up at him. “But I’m afraid of losing you.”