Page 58 of Letting Go at 40

“But I’m tired of pretending that’s okay with me.”

“Mason, I—"

The front door opens, abruptly interrupting us. Mila and Lorna come in after having babysat Rosie and Talia for the evening. Their laughter fills the void of an answer from Anna.

“Did you girls have fun?” Anna immediately shifts her expression, putting on false bravado to match their glowing smiles.

“Talia and Rosie are so cute.” Lorna beams a smile at us. She’s going to be a looker as she grows older, and Logan is going to have his hands full when she hits high school in a year.

“They’re so sweet,” Mila adds. “Did you know Rosie wants Uncle Archer to be her dad?” Mila laughs like it’s the funniest thing she’s ever heard, but Anna and I glance at one another.

What the hell is going on in that apartment?

“Well, Rosie doesn’t remember her daddy. She was only a baby when . . .” Anna’s voice fades. Jenna’s husband was killed. The situation is still hard to believe.

“If Uncle Archer married Jenna, Rosie and Talia would be my cousins,” Mila’s voice is full of excitement at the possibility. “We need more girls in this family.”

“Does that make them my cousins, too?” Lorna asks for clarification as Autumn is her stepmom, making Lorna officially part of Mila’s family as a cousin.

“Other side of the family, honey,” Anna says while still offering Lorna a smile. “But we’re all family.” She points in a circle including me in the visual.

“You’ll never get me a new dad, right, Mom?”

The air is knocked out of my lungs and I’m certain Anna feels the same way. Her hand flies to her throat as she gasps.

“Why would you say such a thing?”

Mila shrugs. “Penny Redman got a new dad after her dad moved out.”

“And Elizabeth Henley in my grade got a new dad when her parents divorced,” Lorna adds.

“Uhm . . . well, those men didn’t really replace their dads.” Anna glances up at me before addressing the girls. “Their fathers are still their fathers.”

“Penny says her mom says it takes a special man to be a dad. Any guy can be a father.” Mila nods as she speaks like she’s worldly and wise at almost thirteen. And who the fuck is this Penny girl?

“Well . . .” Anna looks at me again before facing the girls once more. “That’s true. A man who has a child is a father. But a dad is someone who plays games with their kids.” Anna reaches out and strokes Mila’s hair, tucking it behind her ear. “He braids hair and paints nails, and takes bike rides, and goes to the zoo. And watches endless Disney movies and buys softball equipment. He cheers the loudest at games and goes to dances.”

Anna’s eyes well with tears which she fights to hold back. She doesn’t look at me, but the weight of her words hits me in the chest. Am I only a father to Lynlee or am I a dad to her? Samantha would consider me a human cash register.

“And no one will ever replace your dad,” Anna adds, blinking before swiping a wayward tear from her cheek.

Mila steps forward and wraps her arms around Anna’s middle. “I know, Mom. You won’t ever get married again, right?”

Anna glances at me, and then drops her head, placing a kiss on her daughter’s hair. “That’s right, honey.”

My shoulders fall in utter defeat. I hang my head again and then lift it, swiping both hands over my face, feeling the roughness of my facial hair against my palms. The scratch is a papercut compared to the clawing pain running down my skin.

I have my answer to my earlier question.

Anna and I will be pretending there isn’t a growing attraction between us for the rest of our lives, because I won’t ever be Ben.

I can’t replace him.

Don’t want to replace him.

But I won’t ever compare to the greatest dad. To Anna’s lover and best friend and partner in life.

I’ll never be good enough for her.