Page 56 of Letting Go at 40

“Now, I wait. I take my every Saturday and hope nothing happens, but if it did . . .” Mason swallows hard. “I hope Lynlee trusts me enough to call me and I’ll be there for her.”

Deep within his eyes, I read the regret, the shame, and the sorrow.

I squeeze at his arm. “This makes us friends.”

He chuckles without humor. “How does my sin make us friends?”

“Your honesty makes us friends.” I release his arm but as my hand is slipping away, Mason captures it, curling his fingers into my palm before stretching them and sliding our fingers together. He keeps our joined hands on the armrest of his chair.

He doesn’t speak again. He doesn’t acknowledge he’s holding my hand. He just stares out as the water softly laps the shore and the sun melts on the horizon, and we sit in silence. Each with our own thoughts.

His thumb eventually strokes over the back of my hand, and like the heart-shaped talisman in my other hand soothes me, Mason takes comfort from me.

Chapter 20

1 Year Ago

August

Third Reunion

[Mason]

As our friends’ crew dedicates two weeks to a family reunion of sorts, upheaval ensues. The prodigal son—Archer McCaryn—returns and stakes his claim on his old apartment over the garage. However, Anna invited her college friend, Jenna, to come visit for these two weeks and she promised Jenna the garage apartment. And suddenly, Jenna and her two little girls are staying in the apartment with Archer as a roommate. It’s a romantic comedy gone wrong if you ask me.

Which no one did.

I’m in the main house in a guest room on the second floor, itching at every turn because Anna and I are just too close in proximity. I should have stayed in the condo in town, but the point was to be as near to the guys as possible. The whole reuniting situation is just weird. Logan lives up the street and Zack is next door, a stark reminder that I’m always on the outs. But we promised Ben we’d gather at Lakeside Cottage for these two weeks, and with it being the first year after his passing, we don’t want to dishonor his memory.

The kids are all included in whatever we do, which means planned activities revolve around nightly dinners and cookouts in backyards. Calvin and Bryce join some of the guy-shenanigans, like golf and boating. Mila and Lorna include Rosie and Talia in girl-time with crafts, princess movies, and home pedicures.

While all this chaos circulates, Anna and I orbit around each other but not with each other. As much as she said my honesty made us friends only a few weeks ago, we aren’t talking. We’re existing and I’m coming out of my skin, questioning every move. Are we distant because our friends are here or is there something deeper, something I’m missing? Does Anna not want Zack and Logan to know we’re growing closer to one another or is all of us gathered together messing with her head, reminding her of Ben’s absence?

One night, an adult-only evening is organized. We decide to go line-dancing at a local bar. I recall dancing with Anna in her kitchen and almost look forward to the group activity. People will pair off. Logan and Autumn. River and Zack. Archer will obviously need to be with Jenna as his sister would naturally couple up with me.

However, that is not how the outing goes. Anna’s brother sits beside me. We don’t have much to say to one another. He’s been giving me the evil eye every time I talk to Jenna, flirting with the fact we have history from college, and we occasionally run into each other in Traverse City.

Little does he know, I’m watching his sister. The sway of her hips. The jut of her ass. The sound of her laughter as she enjoys herself, dancing with the other girls.

Or maybe he does know I’m lusting after Anna, catching me one too many times looking at her body moving with the upbeat rhythm of the country music.

When some guy gets too close to Jenna, Archer makes a scene and the two of them disappear. Anna watches them leave with confusion before she comes to our high-top table, taking the only available stool next to me.

As we sit through the remainder of the song and another fast-beat one, I hate the sudden frown on her face. Her body timidly hunches. Her position one of someone sulking.

Then a slow song comes on and the frown turns to a deep furrow of pain on her face. We silently watch as Logan brings Autumn into his chest and Zack leads River out to the dance floor, holding her back to his front and laying his hands over her swelling belly. Archer returns, tugging Jenna behind him, and the two of them take the floor as well.

My palms sweat as I rub them down my jean-clad thighs. “Would you like to dance?” I don’t know why I’m so nervous, or my voice cracks. In an attempt to still my hands, I squeeze my kneecaps.

Anna stares out at the crowd and the coupling of our friends.

“I don’t think so.” Her brows pinch like she isn’t sure of her answer. Does she think she’s not allowed to dance? She isn’t allowed laughter and a good time with friends? What about that night in her kitchen on her birthday?

“Why?” I ask, truly puzzled and put off by her answer. Why is she shutting me out these days with our friends present?

She lowers her gaze to the table and hastily swipes at a piece of loose and sweaty hair near her temple. “I don’t want anyone to suspect anything.”

“Is there something to suspect?” My tone is rough, angered even. We pretend that first kiss never happened. We act like phone sex wasn’t a thing. Nothing is going on between us.