Page 43 of Letting Go at 40

+ + +

I should hate myself for whacking off to fantasies of Anna in my head, but I don’t. Guilt eats at me for another reason.

As I lay in bed the following morning, I reach into the nightstand drawer and remove the cardstock paper.

Why didn’t Ben leave me a letter? Anna had asked.

A better question is why did Ben leave me one? And what the hell does it mean?

Two words. Two simple words.

Let Go.

Twirling the note card between my fingers, I ponder a thought I’ve had each and every time I read the card.

What exactly should I let go of, Ben?

My bitterness toward my father.

My infatuation with his wife.

My failure as a dad.

I was supposed to have Lynlee as today is a Saturday. Instead, Samantha cited another bullshit excuse about having a girls’ party to celebrate singlehood. Mothers and daughters only. I couldn’t recall any friends of Samantha’s with kids. She’d been friends-with-benefits with some guy from Elk Lake City before we met. He was a single dad and that’s the only time I ever heard her mention someone with kids. She’d been pretty hung up on him, but he married someone else.

As for the bitterness toward my father, that ship sailed. Four Points was successful in its own right, building energy-efficient homes with sustainable products and systems. Constructing a house felt special compared to developing another bland commercial property. A home would be the result of a new build.

Thoughts like this made me think once more about Lynlee. I live in a townhome in Traverse City. I even pay Samantha’s rent for an apartment, but I want a house of my own. Between my mortgage and the rent on Samantha’s place, I could afford something bigger, with a yard, maybe a swing set or tree fort like Zack has for his twins. I want something permanent and set apart from a collection of homes strung in a line.

Deep down, I’d like to move to Lakeside. Logan moved there two winters ago. Zack moved last fall. Everyone important to me is in Lakeside.

Except Lynlee.

Let Go.

I stare at the words again.

Maybe Ben did mean my infatuation with his wife. The untold secret was always present in our private joke. Of course, I never spoke to a soul about my feelings until two summers’ ago, after a little too much tequila with Zack. I shouldn’t have ever mentioned how I felt because he watched me like a hawk after Ben passed. A hawk ready to swoop in and protect one of his oldest friends from a sly fox.

Maybe what Ben meant was I needed to let go of these consuming feelings of unworthiness. The squeaky wheel on the cart. The bad boy in the mix. Then again, someone has to hold the title, and I’m the last one standing as Zack and Logan have each fallen in love.

Love.

Fucking Valentine’s Day. If I was in Lakeside, I know how I’d express the emotion and to whom I’d want to give it. Roses would be cliché. Violets wouldn’t do.

But none of that matters as no one is in love with me.

I stare at the words.

Let Go.

Yeah, Benners. Maybe what I should be letting go of is the idea of love.

+ + +

The weekend after Anna’s drunken text I arrive at Lakeside Cottage with a wrist corsage in hand.

Bryce opens the door and tells me Mila needs another minute. “That’s actually some weird girl code to keep you waiting when she’s been ready for almost an hour.”