Page 4 of Letting Go at 40

“She’s going to miss me.” Ben pauses. “She’s going to need help with the kids. They’ll need a man present, especially Calvin and Bryce.” Ben has two sons, both in high school, and a middle-school aged daughter named Mila. “I know it’s a lot to ask but I need you to step up and be who I know you are.”

Despite my certainty that I’m not hearing him correctly, I nod as if I understand.

Anna has a brother, and as the kids’ uncle, he should be their mentor, but he hasn’t been around for years. I could mention our other friends—Logan Anders and Zack Weller. Surely they’d be better role models.

But I don’t question anything.

Blindly, I continue nodding and stammer, “Of course. Whatever you need.” I wave outward at him. “Whatever they need. Anna. The kids. Anything.”

Exhaling, I try to gather my wits and focus. “But what about you? What’s going on now? How . . .” How long does he have? I can’t ask.

Oh God, not Ben. Of all people, not him.

Ben tips his head back, shifting the beach towel spread lengthwise over his legs. His arms remain tucked beneath the thin material, and he shivers as a breeze blows over us. He gazes upward. The height of the trees on the bluff shadow the beach in the early hours but soon the brilliance of another day will highlight the sand.

How many days does Ben have left?

“I don’t think I have more than a year.”

Tears prickle my eyes. My nose burns and flares. Holy fuck. Just holy fuck. This . . . this is too much.

Ben has stood by my side through everything. He’s been the solid friend I never deserved and always needed. He shouldn’t ask me to watch over his wife and kids, and yet, I would do anything he asked of me.

Any. Thing.

“But I don’t want to talk about time yet.” Ben’s voice lowers. His head is still tipped back on the hard wood of the chair.

“Yeah, man. Okay. Whatever you want.” I blink a few times. Swallow once more. The bile in my throat has settled into a brick of acid in my stomach.

This can’t be happening. We are only forty. We have life to live and lessons to learn. We have love to keep giving our family of friends and our kids.

One of us should not be dying.

We should be grumbling about poor decisions, midlife, and what’s next.

But there is no next for Ben.

And to honor his life, I’ll do whatever he asks, even if I live the remainder of my days in a certain level of hell.

Perhaps I deserve it for these feelings I’ve had for some twenty-odd years.

I’m in love with his wife.

Chapter 2

3 Years Ago

August

The Reunion

[Anna]

From my perch on the landing, I watch Mason walk up to Ben on the beach. My husband woke early and slipped from our bed. Although I’m conscious of his movements, I wish I could read his thoughts.

He wanted to gather his friends for two weeks. Let them pretend they were young again, with excessive drinking and rigorous activities, both things Ben’s body can’t handle.

I could spend my morning pondering why this is happening as I’ve done since the day of his diagnosis. I could continue to curse God, and any other deity that wants in on my wrath. I could raise my middle finger, and then my fist, and scream at the heavens, and none of it would change the fact my husband is dying.