Page 32 of Letting Go at 40

He was Ben’s.

Chapter 13

2 Years Ago

October

Almost Halloween

[Mason]

“Mason?” The female voice turns my head.

“Hey beautiful,” I address Jenna Davis. Jenna was one of Anna’s college friends and we hooked up one night, as college kids do. She lives in Elk Lake City, which is a small town about thirty minutes north of where I live in Traverse City. She’s still a stunner with long toned legs and dark hair, and whenever I see her, I can’t help but flirt with her.

“What are you doing here?” Her incredulous tone doesn’t surprise me. The last place anyone would expect to find me is a pumpkin patch.

“I’m here with my daughter. This is Lynlee.” I reach for her shoulder and Lynlee stiffens. She isn’t afraid of me. Or at least, I don’t think so. If Lynlee is suffering with Samantha, being skittish and uncertain of my touch is understandable. I just don’t know what’s happening with my little girl. Either way, I’m awkward showing her affection. Other dads walk around holding hands with their little ones, and I want that but making that happen doesn’t come easily for us. Our relationship isn’t strong as I only see her on Saturdays, and in the past fourteen months, I’ve had to miss some days.

“Hi.” Jenna offers a quick friendly wave as she glances down at the straight dark hair and almond-colored eyes of my daughter. She looks so much like her mother while her temperament is the complete opposite.

“Those are my two. Over there.” Jenna points only a few feet away from us where a little blond with riotous curls is trying to climb an oversized pumpkin and the second girl with rumpled brown hair cascading down her back looks like she’s scolding her sister.

“Cute,” I offer before looking back at Jenna. The dark brown locks of her older daughter matches her own. Jenna is tallish with curves in all the right places. She was wild like me in college but finally settled down with a decent guy, bought a house, and had kids. Seems the story of most women from my past. She’s also a widow and this reminds me of Anna.

Jenna watches me a moment before tipping her head down, then back up. “I’m sorry again about Ben. I know you two were tight.” She rubs a hand along my upper arm.

“Yeah. Cancer sucks.” I squint, glancing over her shoulder. The urge to ask about Anna is a struggle and I lose the battle. “Have you spoken to Anna lately?”

Her brows lift. “Actually, we check in almost every week. She has a long year ahead of her. A year of firsts. First Thanksgiving without him. First Christmas.” Jenna waves a dismissive hand. “She’ll weather through, though. We all do somehow.”

The little blond barges into Jenna’s leg, drawing Jenna’s attention downward as her knee jolts. Jenna lifts her daughter and presses a kiss to her cheek. “Right, Rosie?” She hitches the girl higher on her hip. “Anna is a warrior.”

Rosie sticks her thumb into her mouth and ducks her head under her mother’s jaw.

“Yeah, Anna’s strong but I don’t know how anyone. . .” I swallow. “Shit, I’m sorry.”

Jenna lost her husband as well and I’d just inserted my foot in my mouth. She looks at me, offering a soft smile. “No worries.” She presses another kiss to Rosie’s round cheek before setting her back on the ground.

“I remember you guys always having a strong friend base and that’s really important. So is family. While Anna’s family is small, she has her kids to distract her. Plus, she’s close to her sister who has been to visit.”

“Amelia went to Lakeside?” It’s rare that the youngest McCaryn comes home. She’s busy kicking ass and taking names in Chicago working for some marketing firm.

“Anna just needed some girl time.”

“Oh.”

Jenna laughs. “Her sister even tried to hook her up on a date.”

“What?” I choke on the idea of Anna with another man. “Isn’t it a little soon?” Ben hasn’t even been gone three months.

Jenna’s laughter softens. “Amelia was only teasing. They went out for margaritas and Anna got hit on.”

Of course she did. She’s fucking beautiful. Didn’t the asshole see her wedding ring? She’s taken.

The thought brings me up short. Because she isn’t really taken. Ben might be in her heart forever, but he isn’t here anymore to keep assholes away from her. Assholes like me who took advantage of her one night.

Shit, I still hate myself for what we’d done. How far it almost went. Her mouth on mine. The curve of her body against me. I can still feel her phantom fingers around my cock. When I recall how she called me Ben, the sensation withers away. My heart shrivels a little more, knowing I’d never be him. Never be who she wants.