Page 28 of Letting Go at 40

“To family,” Logan proudly states. His little family of Lorna and him has grown to include Autumn and baby Ben. I have no doubt more babies might be in their future.

Zack takes the bottle next. “To forever.” He takes a hardy chug himself before releasing the bottle and puckering his lips at the sharpness. We should have brought limes to cut the taste, but we don’t deserve comfort.

Tonight is about the friend we lost and the fate of the future.

I’m going to have to live with what I did.

And the guilty pleasure of finally kissing the woman of my dreams.

+ + +

This never happened. Anna meant every word as she ignored me for the remainder of our friends’ visit.

On the day of departure for Zack, I step out of the garage apartment with my bag slung over my shoulder. Zack stands near his SUV parked on the driveway, wrangling his two boys inside it for the drive to their home outside Detroit.

I’d made some hard decisions last night and feel guilty that the boys aren’t present this morning, but this isn’t goodbye to them. It’s a much-needed break for my own personal sanity and maybe some space Anna needs to figure out where she’s going next. As for me, I might have finally gotten the wake-up call I need.

Anna will never be mine.

For some stupid reason, I glance at her as if she’ll finally acknowledge me.

As if she’ll accept what we did.

To my surprise, Anna is watching me. The expression on her face looks like panic. Is she worried I told the guys what happened? I wouldn’t do that to her. To us. Zack and Logan’s friendship means everything to me, and they forgive me for most of my fuckups, but this might be the exception. I wouldn’t risk losing them.

I glance away first and open the trunk of my car, tossing my bag into the back. It’s pathetic how little I kept here, commuting between the garage apartment and my townhome in Traverse City, roughly three hours away.

“Where are you going?” The anxiety I didn’t want to see on Anna’s face is expressed in her tone. Her voice hints at a tremble while her curiosity holds a demanding edge.

“I think it’s time I leave, too.” The words taste bitter on my tongue. I want to stay. I want to talk. We need to discuss how what happened is a natural reaction to two people hurting or grieving or something and desperate for comfort. Comfort that shouldn’t come from each other. One of us needs to go and that person is me.

The air around us on the driveway seems to still. Zack is watching me with an intensity I can’t address.

“What about Four Points?” Logan asks. He’s given up the most to quit his job with an established architectural firm and move to Lakeside. Then again, the decision came from a desire to be with Autumn.

I pause, hand on the open hatch of my trunk. “Let’s talk tomorrow.” I glance at Logan, hoping he reads the need in my eyes. I need to get away from here. I need to separate myself from Anna before I do something stupid like beg her to talk to me, face this thing, maybe kiss me again.

No. No, no, no. I shake my head as Logan looks over at Zack before silently acknowledging me with a nod. Tomorrow.

I glance at Anna one more time and my resolve crumbles. I step up to her. My jaw ticks. I nearly bite my own tongue. My voice drops, hoping only she will hear the urgency in my words. “Ask me to stay and I will.”

I hate the whining plea in my tone. Let me in. Let me be the one here for you.

Anna doesn’t look at me. Something at the hem of her shirt is apparently more interesting.

“No.” She nods slowly, once, then twice, as though she’s coming to some kind of internal conclusion. She still refuses to look at me as she says, “You need to go.”

The blow isn’t as gut-wrenching as I thought. I didn’t really expect her to say I should stay, right? She’s grieving her husband, not wanting a romantic interlude. And honestly, I don’t want a quick, grief-ridden fuck with her.

No, it’s time to put Anna behind me. The Anna I’ve craved. The Anna I’ve lusted after.

I slip my hands into my pockets, and nod as well.

I don’t like it, but I don’t have to like it.

It’s time for me to go.

Chapter 12