Page 126 of Letting Go at 40

For the last week, I’ve been arguing that the distance might do us some good.

I want forever with you.

After all this time, how can she not see it? How does she not feel it? I’m in love with her. I’ve been in love with her for ages.

And a damn wedding is the last place I want to be when I’m losing the woman I hoped would one day be my wife.

I wanted to ask Anna to marry me when everything turned in the opposite direction.

When I don’t answer Logan, he says, “Hard to imagine Archer is getting married.”

“Hard to imagine,” I mutter, lifting my glass and taking a gulp of the scotch I poured. It’s going to be a long night. A long few days. It’s been a helluva week.

Logan turns back to me. “What is your problem?”

“What a schmuck.” I nod toward the glass, watching as Braxton shifts Anna to a different standing spot in the wedding party arrangement.

“Down, lover boy.” Logan chuckles and I realize I might have growled with my thoughts.

“This sucks.”

“A wedding?” Logan asks. “Or pushing away your girl?”

Anna is close to Autumn. Autumn tells Logan everything. Is that what Anna told Autumn? That I pushed her away. Is that what I did by admitting how I feel, what I want?

Logan might understand my position. He panicked and nearly lost Autumn when they first got together. His groveling included upending his entire life, which was due for a change anyway.

“Do you really want your own house?” Logan looks around. “Do you really want to move away from her?”

My gaze remains on Anna. “Don’t really have a choice. We aren’t going in the direction I want.” I take another sip of my drink, realizing if I don’t slow my pace I’m going to be drunk before dinner.

“What direction is that?”

I turn back toward him unable to answer.

“Four points on a compass, man.”

Logan points out at Zack who is part of the wedding party. “East.”

He points to himself. “South.”

Then his gaze falls on me. “West.” He pauses a second. “We all know Archer isn’t north. Not really. Ben was our true north. And he pointed you at her.” Logan waves his finger back out toward the yard at the beautiful woman wearing a yellow dress that’s fitted at the top and hangs loose and flowing down to her knees. I hadn’t noticed at first but the color matches what Lynlee is wearing.

“Don’t be stupid. Everything you’ve ever wanted is right there.” He jabs at the glass.

“And she doesn’t want me. Not like I want her,” I snap, turning on him.

“How do you know? Have you asked her? Have you told her how you feel?” Logan stares at me. “I’m not the guy who had all the moves with women. That was all you. But I still like to think I know a thing or two about them. They need to hear how you feel.”

“I told her,” I mumble, glancing down at my glass which is empty.

“She isn’t someone you make moves on. You love her,” Logan continues as if I hadn’t said a thing.

I thought I’d been doing that—showing Anna, proving to her how I feel, what I want.

“Be smooth with words, man. Time to use three little ones that mean a lot.” Logan tips his head toward the yard.

I gaze back at Anna. Hadn’t I already said I loved her by telling her I wanted forever? What if I tell her I love her, and she doesn’t feel the same way? What if she can’t? We have chemistry, and the attraction is undeniable, but loving me is a different wheelhouse. Telling her I love her is a risk I’m not certain I can take.