Page 123 of Letting Go at 40

“But why bring up Ben?” I whisper.

Amelia pauses a beat. “This isn’t about Ben. Or is it? Mason’s telling you he wants forever. He’s put his heart on the line, Anna. Maybe this is about you. Are you still holding onto something?”

I shake my head, recalling that late fall evening on the beach last year. Ben is gone. Well and truly gone. I don’t feel his presence. I don’t sense messages from some place beyond now that I know the truth about the heart-shaped rocks.

Mason. Mason was my rock.

“I think I fucked up,” I whisper to my sister.

“I doubt it. Just talk to Mason. Let go yourself. Tell him how you feel.”

How did I feel? I don’t say the words aloud, but my sister answers me.

“You love him, right? You don’t want to lose him. You want him in your life.” Amelia sighs. “You’re getting a second chance to love, Anna. Take it.”

Her tone is nearly a plea, coaxing me to give in. To let go.

Was I holding back? Had I been too comfortable where we are? I could use the excuse of time, but I didn’t need more time to consider how I felt or what I wanted.

I wanted Mason.

“Thank you,” I whisper to her, hastily swiping at my damp face. “I didn’t mean to dump all that on you. You called me. What did you need?”

“Well.” She softly chuckles. “This feels a bit prophetic, but I was calling to check on you.”

“Check on me?” I run a finger under my nose. I really need a tissue.

“For today.”

Today? Amelia’s silence forces me to recall the date. How could I have forgotten? The kids and I had a long talk two nights ago. We planned to go to the cemetery this evening and then do something just the four of us tonight.

Of course, I hadn’t forgotten. Not completely.

“Oh my God.” My voice shakes as new tears spill from my eyes.

“Are you okay?” Amelia means to soothe.

“I don’t know if I’ll ever be okay.” If I thought Mason asking me to live with him was a joke, now the day felt like a sick prank from the universe.

“Is Archer’s wedding going to be difficult for you?” Amelia and I have already talked about our brother’s upcoming nuptials. How he deserves a happily-ever-after and so does Jenna.

“It’s okay to be happy for them but still be sad,” Amelia reminds me, her voice still low as if soothing a child.

“I’m so jealous,” I whisper. Envious of their joy and love. Sad at my loss of Ben. Even sadder that I’m losing Mason. “Does that make me a bad person?”

“Not bad, just human. Don’t give up on Mason, though. Any relationship is new for Mason. You’re his first love.”

I snort.

“I’m serious. Mason loves you. I’m certain of it. Hell, we’re all certain of it. And it sounds like he’s just eager to start a future.”

Amelia’s words are a good reminder. Mason and I are both new to what we are experiencing. I don’t want to lose him, and he needs to know that. However, I can’t ask him to stay if he’s determined to go.

“What do I do?” I ask in a watery voice.

“Decide what you want and then don’t give up until you have it.”

Says the woman who hasn’t ever fought for a man.