Page 69 of Loving at 40

My protection.

Clenching the medal in my hands, I curse under my breath. As he fed me that line, he called me babe just as he called her.

You love me, he told her. She shot him.

I didn’t understand. Glancing back at the envelope, I discover a small rectangular cardstock piece of paper. When I pull it out of the envelope, one side has the scribble of a shaky hand.

Be home.

Ben’s message to Archer. Tears fill my eyes. Glancing back at the envelope, I stare at the return address. Did Archer have this card on him at the restaurant? Why did he slip it into this envelope? Why do I have his medal?

Flipping over the card in my hand, more pronounced handwriting is on the back. All capital letters, sharp and thin, look like someone jotted a second note quickly. My eyes narrow in on what it says.

Protect my heart, Jenna.

+ + +

The following night, the guys have their beach fire and their ritual for Ben. I’ve learned the men each wrote something in response to Ben’s letters as this marks the one-year anniversary of their friend’s request for each of them. Archer was supposed to join the group; however, he will be missing as he’d been the year before.

Anna and I shuffle between hot dogs on wire sticks and marshmallows on rudimentary twigs before herding the women and children up the cliff to leave Zack, Logan, and Mason behind. River and I convinced Anna to have her own celebration of Ben on her patio, involving wine and her circle of friends.

“What do you think they’ve written to him?” Anna asks as two of the ladies are involved with Ben’s friends.

“I think they’ll write how they’ve done with their mission,” River admits without giving away what her future husband wrote on his card. Autumn adds something similar, but I miss her explanation. My thoughts are muddled with Archer.

Wrapping my arms around myself in the cool night air, I glance out at the lake, wondering where he is. With the sun setting on another day, the horizon is illuminated by the vivid blue water and complementary orange glow of a lowering sun. On the other side of this lake is Chicago, and for the millionth time, I wonder if Archer returned to the big city. His home base. His home, which wasn’t a home. Or is he off on another dangerous assignment? Is he safe? What is protecting him?

My hand slips over my chest, seeking the medal I’ve buried inside my sweatshirt, dangling between my breasts, as near to my heart as I can get it.

I hate to ask, but I do. “Would Ben be disappointed in Archer?” I certainly am. Or maybe I’m just confused.

Autumn answers first. “Ben must have had some understanding of what Archer did . . . what he does . . . because he didn’t judge him. Ben believed one day Archer would return. He’d need a place to land, and Lakeside was open to him.”

Be home. Ben wanted Archer to know this was his home. His family was here, and he’d be welcomed.

Anna lowers her head. We’ve already discussed how upset she still is that Autumn had a way to contact her brother after Ben. How Ben must have known Archer was in trouble or in deep with the wrong people. The other night, Noah hadn’t been able to convince Anna that Archer was one of the good guys. He tried to assure her she had nothing to worry about despite the drug lord’s daughter.

Archer hadn’t been fully open. He hadn’t been honest. He’d been pretending, and it hurts. However, everything between Archer and me felt so real. How could I be so wrong?

I try to remind myself Archer has done what he’s done in the past to protect them. His family. Their friends. I should be defending him instead of questioning his actions, but I’m struggling.

“If we could have been included in this male-bonding ritual, what might we say to Ben on this anniversary?” Autumn asks, her voice slightly cheerful. “What message would we send after one year?”

“I miss you,” Anna says quickly, and I reach for her hand, sympathizing in more than one way.

“I’d say thank you,” River adds, staring up at the sky like she has a direct line to heaven. She never met Ben, but she seamlessly fit into this family of friends. “For bringing Zack to me somehow.” She rubs her hand over her extended belly, and I smile.

“You were the best big brother. Always looking out for me. And you were right. Things did work out in the end.” Autumn smiles to herself as she looks at me.

I’m honored to be included here, but I’m not certain I’m qualified to direct something to Ben’s attention. As I feel like Archer’s mission is incomplete, my wish into the universe is simple. “Bring him home to me.”

Then louder, I add, “Never eat spinach with a stranger on Thursdays, Benny. That was good advice.”

At the mention of something nonsensical we used to say in college, Anna spits out her wine while River giggles, and the seriousness of the moment dissipates while the heaviness of my wish still lingers.

Be home with me.

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