Page 61 of Loving at 40

We remain quiet for a few more steps until she squeezes my fingers curled with hers. “You know, I think you are a good guy, though, Archer. I mean, you came off a little gruff at first, but deep down, you’re a good man.”

The conviction in her voice does something to my insides, and I rub my sternum. She has no idea how much I want to believe what she says. I want to be a decent guy again, but that phone call from Braxton has my head all over the place the last couple of nights. I have some decisions to make after speaking to my therapist today. I finally have the all clear to return to work. I can start back up in January.

The only thing is, I’m no longer certain I want to go back.

“Can I ask you something?” We’re strolling, taking it slow in her high heels and knowing we have time to waste before we need to turn back toward the restaurant.

“Sure.” Her voice rings with excitement.

“You know Ben left these letters for us. Like a statement or something, and I’ve been puzzled by mine.” No matter what the meaning of Ben’s letter to me, I’m late in completing his directive. I’ve failed his mission.

“What did it say?”

“Be home. I think he meant to write come home, as he’d often ask me when I planned to return.”

“But . . .?”

“I just don’t know. It feels like he meant something else.” I’ve been tinkering with potential meanings, but decoding shit was not necessarily in my wheelhouse.

“Can I ask you a question?” she teases.

“Suuure,” I elongate the word, mimicking her.

“Why did Ben have access to you while Anna didn’t?”

“It was safer for Anna and the kids. I didn’t need Anna messaging me for every minor detail on the house. Ben would only make contact when it was absolutely necessary.” Jenna already knows the three McCaryn siblings own the cottage and not just Anna, though she seems to have commandeered it.

“Do you really think your sister would do that?”

“I don’t know.” I sigh, not certain if my sister would actually abuse the contact information. Or just worry about me. The afterthought is something I hadn’t considered.

“Anna told me you were once close. I think she’s missed you, and she just wants to understand her big brother.”

I exhale again, feeling guilt wrap around my chest. “I know.” I haven’t been fair to the responsible sister. The one who looked after our parents for years, handled their funeral, and takes care of their house.

“So back to the note. What do you think he meant?” Am I reading too much into it? Maybe Ben did mean come home, and it’s been that simple. Ben wasn’t complex, and he didn’t mince words. If he was lucid enough to write a directive, he wrote it with intention.

“Well, my best guess is family meant everything to Ben. He loved his wife and his children above all else. But he also loved his parents and sister, and then add in his brothers from other mothers.” She softly chuckles. “And I guess he might not have meant only to come home but stay home. Be home. Be involved with your family. Be a family again. Or maybe . . .” She pauses. “Maybe he meant to just be. Be happy, content, whole.”

I nod, pursing my lips as I think about what she’s said. It sounds simple enough.

“If I go back to the department, it won’t be easy.” I hadn’t planned to mention the all clear yet, and Jenna’s head swivels toward me, pausing us in our walk.

“Are you returning to active status? Are you going undercover again?”

“I’ll go where I’m assigned.” I don’t know if undercover is on the docket for me. Although, if it’s a desk job, I can’t do it. I need to be out in the field and involved in a case.

There’s a slight burn in my leg, stinging like a reminder that fieldwork may no longer be an option.

Jenna turns her attention away from me, her eyes directed off in the distance over the water. “I guess it would be hard to be part of a family if you disappear again for years.” Something heavy and rough fills her voice. Her head lowers, but she quickly licks her lips and looks up again.

“I don’t want to disappear,” I admit. “It was . . . fucking lonely at times.” While the Quintero parties were spectacular and the lifestyle insane, I was getting older and wiser, and wanted to settle down a little bit. I wanted more than champagne and cocaine every night. Not that I did that shit, but when it was all around you, it definitely got tiresome. However, it was an important part in the image of the Quinteros, which made it necessary for me. Or maybe I was one of them, and I’d never be able to escape the haunting of that family.

“It’s your choice, Archer. Be here and be a family or leave them behind again. Leave—” She stops herself and swallows. Her eyes squint, still aimed in the distance. “Maybe this time, tell Anna where you’re going, what you’re doing, so it doesn’t feel so much like abandonment.”

“I didn’t abandon my family.”

“I know that now, but she doesn’t. You two should really talk. Trust her. She’s your sister.”