Page 28 of Loving at 40

You don’t deserve to be loved. I hate when Viviana enters my head. She hadn’t been wrong, though. I steeled my heart and played a part with her. I pretended. It didn’t make me a good person. It also didn’t make me the worst. Doing my duty called for extreme measures, and I’d pulled it off. And then . . .

I wake with a start, the sound of gunshot echoing in my head. Twitching, I tug the woman in my arms tighter, overwhelmed with a need to protect her. Her hand slides up my forearm, stroking tenderly over my skin until I remember where I am and who I’m holding. She’s actually soothing me, making me feel safe and secure, something I’ve never felt before.

Jenna. The sweet, single mother who I have no business clinging to as I am. Begrudgingly, I peel myself free from her and roll off the couch. Returning to my bedroom, I give another glance at her curled-up form, tucked into the cushions. My darkness would only block out her sunshine. That was how eclipses worked.

Viviana had been right. I was a despicable man and didn’t deserve a good woman in my life.

But, oh what I wouldn’t give for a woman like Jenna.

+ + +

During the day, I ask my nephews to have lunch with me. Admittedly, I didn’t know them well. We were family, but I’d been a piss-poor uncle, according to my sister. She wasn’t wrong, but I wasn’t at liberty to share where I’d been or what I’d done. However, I wanted these two young men to know I was here for them and would be better in the future.

According to my sister, Calvin was desperate to return to the Chicago area, where he’d spent his entire life minus the past two years. He was currently undecided in his future studies but leaning toward police work. His mother hoped it was a phase, but I wanted to talk to him about the brothers in blue.

“So, your mother tells me you might want to be a cop,” I say to Calvin once we’re seated at Driftwood, a popular tourist restaurant in town. I wanted to get the boys away from the constant Ben chatter. Some days were difficult, listening to Mason, Zack, and Logan talking about Ben, recalling their college days like guys who have never moved on. They were forty-two, not in their twenties, but I suppose those good ole days became more nostalgic the older we grew. It wasn’t much different between my buddies from the force and me. Jokes about mothers and sex ran rabid between the guys and me. I missed my team, and the ache in my leg reminds me why I’m not with them anymore.

“I’m still undecided. Do I go forensic science or protective services? I’ve heard it’s better to have a degree either way, easier to get into the police academy.”

Times had changed, and I agree; a degree is good, especially if the academy doesn’t accept him. There is plenty of independent contracting related to police work. Fortunate for Calvin, he’d had an in. He’d have a legacy.

Leaning forward, I glance around the restaurant before speaking. “I can get you in if you want. I can give you the references and recommendation you need.”

Bryce’s eyes widen, and his eyebrows pop upward when he looks at his older brother. He looks just like Ben, while Calvin looks more like Anna, which means he reminds me of me when I was eighteen.

“How?” Calvin asks.

“I was on the force for a while.” I shrug. It isn’t quite that simple, and my position became much more complicated than any local division. Still, I know people.

“You were?” Bryce exaggerates the questions. Looking at both their curious faces, I wonder how they don’t know this about me. Has my sister never mentioned me? Being a cop once upon a time isn’t a secret.

“I was. I can’t share all the top secret stuff. Confidential and all that, but I worked for CPD for years.” Bryce still looks at me in amazement, while Calvin looks skeptical.

“Mom said you were a vagabond. Like a hobo or something.”

Hobo? Is that even politically correct? And why would she think that?

“I wasn’t some wayward wanderer.” I’ve certainly traveled, mainly to Central and South America, but it wasn’t some uncharted adventure, and most times, it wasn’t pleasurable.

“She said it’s why you never came around. Always off somewhere.” Bryce waves his hand to emphasize the great unknown while Calvin continues to stare at me.

“I wasn’t at liberty to tell her anything, although your father knew a few things.”

This has both their attention, although Calvin scowls at me. “Like what?”

“He knew how to contact me in an emergency.”

“So why didn’t you show up when he was sick? Or come to his funeral?”

Aw, man, this is tough to answer. Ben told me about his diagnosis in a secure email. After my father passed away, I’d learned my lesson and wanted someone in the family to be able to reach me in an emergency. Ben even prefaced in his message that he held off as long as he could before telling me about his condition. He just thought I should know.

At the time, the department was so close to the end of the investigation. I was tighter with Viviana and her father than I’d ever wanted to be. I wanted that assignment completed. I hadn’t responded to Ben until he was deeper into his diagnosis. I’d asked him to pass the email address to his sister, not mine. Have her email me. It implied what I couldn’t say—tell me when you’re gone. I should have come home to see him before he passed.

“I just couldn’t get here.” It’s a lie. I was present. Slipping home for the funeral to pay my respects, I slid back out of town just as fast. My attendance was risky. I should have skipped it entirely, but I didn’t want to disappoint my sister again, even if she didn’t know I was present.

Calvin huffs. Bryce just stares at me.

“Look, I know I’ve been a shit uncle.” I’d be a worse father. I choke on air with the thought. Where did that come from? “So, I get it if you don’t trust me, but I want you to. I want you to know I’m here for you.”