Page 61 of Studfinder

After our second round, we lay as we did on the couch, only with a little more room in my bed. Jake sprawls over me. Head above my breast. Arm over my waist. One leg trapped between mine. He dozes, as do I, but I can’t quite sleep. My mind races with options for Jake and his brother. Will Nolan turn himself in? Can Jake be set free from his sentence? Most of all, can he ever forgive his brother?

I honestly don’t know how to feel about Nolan. I want to be sympathetic to his condition and his fate, brought on by his own reckless actions. On the other hand, Nolan’s thoughtlessness for the safety of others, including the fact other firemen could have been harmed or died in any of the blazes he set, feels unforgivable. Once again, I call up what I’ve learned within AA. There are things I can change and things I cannot. I need to use wisdom to know the difference, not judgment or prejudice. Forgiveness for Nolan would take time if he were my brother. I wonder as I have in the past if there are circumstances that are beyond forgiveness. Has Jake reached his limit?

He stirs over me, rubbing his nose against my chest as he did earlier. I smile to myself as I stroke my hands over his head and down his neck, smoothing my palm along the firm skin of his back. His body is a wonderland, firm and tight. He’s so different from what I’ve experienced before. I lean forward to press a kiss to the top of his head, and Jake stiffens. The final sensation from earlier returns, and my shoulders tense.

Jake places a hand on my belly, covered by the sheet. The heat of our naked bodies has kept us together for the remainder of the night.

“I need to go,” Jake whispers, fisting the material over my stomach as he speaks to my lower body. My head shifts on the pillow, glancing toward the window where the dawn of a new day is slowly filling the sky with pinks and yellows.

“It’s still early. You could stay.” Where will he go? Would he return home? Is he prepared to face Nolan?

“No, sweet. I mean, I don’t think I can stay in Vermont.”

My head shifts again on the pillow, and I gently curl my fingers into his hair, tugging his head upright. His eyes struggle to meet mine.

“What do you mean?”

“I’m done here. If I ride out my sentence, there’s nothing left for me here.” The comment stings.

Slowly, I remove my fingers from his hair and swallow the thick lump in my throat.

“What will you do about Nolan?”

“What can I do? I can’t turn in my own brother. I can’t do that to him.” His eyes finally seek mine, but I can’t look at him. Will he really leave? What about me? What are we? What is he doing with me if he only plans to walk away?

And what about his brother? Nolan cannot just walk free, not that he can walk. He isn’t even free, either. He’s been carrying this burden in him. Or maybe it wasn’t a burden after all. Nolan had certainly made up his mind how things would play out. No one would get caught, and when Jake did, he assumed Jake would not be found guilty. But he was, and then he was sentenced to prison in Nolan’s stead.

“Don’t look like that, sweet.”

“How am I supposed to look?” I snap, struggling to keep my emotions in check. I’m angry—angry like I haven’t been in a long time. How could Nolan do such a thing to his brother? How could Jake be so calm and continue to protect him?

“This isn’t an easy decision to make. I don’t want to leave you.”

“Then don’t,” I whisper, licking my lips and continuing to choke on the swell of my throat.

“But I can’t stay. Not with Nolan here. Not with my history. I want to be free, Rita. Can you understand that? I don’t want this following me everywhere I go.”

I nod with understanding I don’t have. “No matter where you go, you’ll need to disclose your imprisonment.”

Jake sighs. “But it will be easier without the rumors and knowledge of what happened. I simply have to admit to a crime.”

I want to believe it’s that simple, but life will always be complicated for him. This scar is permanent, and it isn’t just the prison sentence marring Jake’s heart. The truth that his brother committed the crime and Jake paid for it has made forever-lasting damage.

“I don’t know how to get over this . . . this . . . sense of betrayal.” Jake glances up at me, and this I understand.

“I once felt the same way,” I remind him, thinking back to when I learned about the fire and Jake’s part in it. Jake’s assumed role in Ian’s death. Betrayal is a good word for my emotions, but I moved past it. Perhaps it was my faith in Jake. That sense that he couldn’t have started a fire, and he would never intentionally hurt someone. In fact, Jake hadn’t done anything wrong.

He lowers his head once more, his forehead meeting my covered breast.

“Where will you go?” I ask as if I support his decision, which I don’t.

“I don’t know.” The roughness to his tone gives away his frustration. He shifts off me and easily turns for the side of the bed. Slipping out from under the sheets, I have a fine view of his smooth back and firm backside. His body is a testament to beauty but looking at him hurts my heart. He’s walking away from me without a glance back.

A part of me screams to fight for him. Tell him how I feel and what I want. The other part of me feels his defeat as it wavers off him like a hazy fog, seeping outward from his existence and shrouding us both. He pauses at my bedroom door, placing a hand on the doorjamb before turning his head to glance over his shoulder.

“You’re the best of women, Rita Kaplan,” he states, and I fight the sob rolling up my chest. “I’ll never forget who you are.” Jake steps into the hallway without a full glance back at the bed, and I roll to my side, clutching the sheets to my chest. Understanding and heartbreak riddle my insides, and I turn my face into the pillow to hide my tears as I cover my ears to the sound of Jake leaving my house and my heart.

Jake is still under obligation to serve his parole without risk of violation, so being true to this arrangement, he returns to Building Buddies when I check in with Sullivan on Monday. In the meantime, I have a call in to both Jake’s parole officer and Parker Avery.